1 00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:28,878 So what's this place call itself? 2 00:01:30,207 --> 00:01:32,767 It is called Pritain, Generalissimo. 3 00:01:34,367 --> 00:01:36,722 And the people? Are they rough? 4 00:01:37,847 --> 00:01:39,917 Rough? No. 5 00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:45,041 No. The men, they shave all over the body. 6 00:01:45,087 --> 00:01:46,759 They gotta just moustaches. 7 00:01:47,927 --> 00:01:49,679 (Small laugh) 8 00:01:49,727 --> 00:01:52,400 - 20 mile you say? - Si. 9 00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:58,880 And the women... Caesar, the women...they fight like the mens. 10 00:02:02,367 --> 00:02:04,642 The ladies, they like-a to fight? 11 00:02:04,687 --> 00:02:06,279 Si. 12 00:02:09,767 --> 00:02:12,918 Get the ships. This I got to see. 13 00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:17,040 Launch the ships! We go to fight. 14 00:02:26,767 --> 00:02:28,519 Hey! Hey! 15 00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:49,358 (Rumble of thunder) 16 00:02:51,447 --> 00:02:54,757 WOMAN: But Caesar did not reckon on fighting the Dubonni - 17 00:02:54,807 --> 00:02:59,358 a tribe famed worldwide for their Celtic Kick and their digging. 18 00:03:02,127 --> 00:03:05,039 And he didn't reckon on fighting my sisters. 19 00:03:05,087 --> 00:03:07,681 The eldest, Princess Dwyfuc, noble and brave... 20 00:03:07,727 --> 00:03:10,161 (Blows horn) 21 00:03:10,207 --> 00:03:12,323 ..and babyless. 22 00:03:12,367 --> 00:03:14,881 The middle child, Smirgut the Fierce... 23 00:03:14,927 --> 00:03:16,918 whom we never speak of... 24 00:03:16,967 --> 00:03:18,605 for various reasons. 25 00:03:19,647 --> 00:03:21,638 And me, Worthaboutapig. 26 00:03:23,767 --> 00:03:26,759 Though, admittedly, I was probably less of a threat. 27 00:03:28,247 --> 00:03:30,317 But I was immensely popular in the village... 28 00:03:30,367 --> 00:03:33,439 - Hi, guys. And how are we today? - Go away. 29 00:03:33,487 --> 00:03:35,239 ..with the animals. 30 00:03:35,287 --> 00:03:37,278 Good, good. 31 00:03:38,607 --> 00:03:40,245 - Morning. - Ah! 32 00:03:40,287 --> 00:03:42,517 (Mutters and hisses) 33 00:03:44,367 --> 00:03:45,846 (Hisses) 34 00:03:45,887 --> 00:03:47,161 Morning. 35 00:03:48,207 --> 00:03:49,435 Nice top. 36 00:03:50,127 --> 00:03:50,798 Ahh! 37 00:03:50,847 --> 00:03:52,838 (Punching and ripping) 38 00:03:55,607 --> 00:03:57,598 Sorry. 39 00:04:03,447 --> 00:04:06,086 I was a career beeherd. Did I tell you that? 40 00:04:07,287 --> 00:04:09,278 I loved my job. 41 00:04:10,927 --> 00:04:15,523 I was working on hypnotising the bees with a special language that I had invented... 42 00:04:16,167 --> 00:04:19,125 Banalla, Orlanna, Assilda. 43 00:04:19,167 --> 00:04:20,805 Gwenaaaacch! 44 00:04:20,847 --> 00:04:22,838 ..and then borrow their honey. 45 00:04:24,207 --> 00:04:26,038 They do everything I say. 46 00:04:26,087 --> 00:04:28,601 Ow! Ow! Ow! 47 00:04:28,647 --> 00:04:30,319 Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! 48 00:04:30,367 --> 00:04:32,164 Ow! Ow! Ow! 49 00:04:32,207 --> 00:04:35,040 Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! 50 00:04:35,087 --> 00:04:37,362 Ow! Ow! Not up there! 51 00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:39,238 Ow! Ooh! Ooh! 52 00:04:39,287 --> 00:04:41,847 I remember that day was the day of the husband trials 53 00:04:41,887 --> 00:04:43,559 and all the men were gorgeous. 54 00:04:45,807 --> 00:04:47,684 I am Drith of the Silures. 55 00:04:47,727 --> 00:04:49,479 Son of Froth, of the golden knees. 56 00:04:49,527 --> 00:04:51,916 My arm is smooth. 57 00:04:51,967 --> 00:04:56,802 From my mighty organ, a great white river flows, both in the morning and at night. 58 00:04:56,847 --> 00:04:59,884 Always my big moustache tastes of pork. 59 00:05:03,167 --> 00:05:05,840 - Ooh. Drith's back. - Thank you. 60 00:05:10,527 --> 00:05:13,087 - Is this the last batch? - Mm. 61 00:05:13,127 --> 00:05:15,118 Seen anyone you fancy? 62 00:05:18,047 --> 00:05:19,526 Name? 63 00:05:19,567 --> 00:05:22,525 Wthol of the Votadini. 64 00:05:27,887 --> 00:05:29,240 Hyahhh! 65 00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:30,402 Hyyah! 66 00:05:30,447 --> 00:05:33,883 - It seems a better standard than last year. - Please. 67 00:05:34,807 --> 00:05:36,638 (Yelps and breaks wind repeatedly) 68 00:05:41,927 --> 00:05:43,918 Next! 69 00:05:47,007 --> 00:05:50,317 I’d have done him. For the prestige. 70 00:05:50,367 --> 00:05:54,599 Gods, imagine it. I’d be Mrs Hairy Geordie Woman. I’d be a somebody. 71 00:05:54,647 --> 00:05:56,205 - Worthaboutapig? - Yes, sorry. 72 00:05:56,247 --> 00:05:58,238 - My problems first. - Of course. 73 00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:02,843 This is Kax of the Velgai, ma'am. 74 00:06:02,887 --> 00:06:06,118 WORTHABOUTAPIG: Nice shoes. - Oh, pity. 75 00:06:07,207 --> 00:06:09,562 WORTHABOUTAPIG: Excuse me, what's wrong with him? 76 00:06:09,607 --> 00:06:12,121 He doesn't speak. 77 00:06:12,167 --> 00:06:15,045 OK, so what actually is it about men that you don't like? 78 00:06:15,087 --> 00:06:19,000 Look at them. The flower of British manhood! 79 00:06:19,047 --> 00:06:22,926 And the whole smooth thing, Pig, it's all wrong. All the hair is in the wrong place. 80 00:06:24,007 --> 00:06:27,602 You can't have sex with a man like that. It's like...kissing a seal. 81 00:06:27,647 --> 00:06:30,115 I’m never going to live that down, am I? Twice. 82 00:06:30,167 --> 00:06:31,520 Twice! 83 00:06:32,527 --> 00:06:34,643 And the first time was a dare. 84 00:06:34,687 --> 00:06:36,757 Princess! 85 00:06:36,807 --> 00:06:38,479 Princess Dwyfuc! 86 00:06:38,527 --> 00:06:43,681 Come quick! There's a foreigner come, with huge, great big, hairy, wandering hands! 87 00:06:43,727 --> 00:06:46,161 Make way for Princess Dwyfuc! 88 00:06:46,207 --> 00:06:48,402 Morning. Hello, all. Morning, all. 89 00:06:48,447 --> 00:06:52,360 Hello, Mrs Thingy-basket-woman. How is the disease? 90 00:06:52,407 --> 00:06:56,320 Good. Hello, you poorly little chap. How's the croup? 91 00:06:56,367 --> 00:06:58,085 Make way, princess coming through. 92 00:06:58,127 --> 00:07:00,163 Lovely to see you all. Lovely. 93 00:07:01,407 --> 00:07:03,204 Oh, look. A Gaul! 94 00:07:04,087 --> 00:07:05,805 Isn't he Gaully, Dwyfuc? 95 00:07:06,847 --> 00:07:08,758 - Gaully and...unusual. - Sister? 96 00:07:08,807 --> 00:07:11,765 - Yes? - Don't talk to me in front of the people. 97 00:07:12,607 --> 00:07:14,598 Oh, sorry. Forgot. 98 00:07:24,687 --> 00:07:25,676 Ugh! 99 00:07:33,047 --> 00:07:35,038 WORTHABOUTAPIG: Ye gods! 100 00:07:37,727 --> 00:07:39,285 (Squelching) 101 00:07:41,847 --> 00:07:43,644 (Squelch) 102 00:07:45,127 --> 00:07:46,845 It's detachable. 103 00:07:47,887 --> 00:07:49,605 Not for me. 104 00:07:49,647 --> 00:07:51,205 He's all yours. 105 00:07:52,127 --> 00:07:54,083 What? Mine? 106 00:07:54,127 --> 00:07:56,322 Mine? What, really? 107 00:07:58,327 --> 00:08:00,602 WOMEN: The Queen! The Queen! 108 00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,365 ALL: All hail, our Queen! 109 00:08:02,407 --> 00:08:04,045 Where am I? What's going on? 110 00:08:04,087 --> 00:08:05,998 We're outside now, ma'am. 111 00:08:06,047 --> 00:08:10,962 You stand before great Queen Tuathfhlaifthfth of the Dubonni. 112 00:08:11,007 --> 00:08:13,362 - Eldest daughter? - Yes, almighty Queen? 113 00:08:13,407 --> 00:08:15,398 Stop licking my arse. 114 00:08:19,927 --> 00:08:23,078 Our land stretches from farthest west to distant east. 115 00:08:24,127 --> 00:08:26,004 From over there to over there. 116 00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:31,679 - Mighty are we and none do we fear. MAN: He can't understand, he's a Gaul. 117 00:08:31,727 --> 00:08:34,764 Well, fetch the one who knows the language of the Gauls. 118 00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:36,240 Yes. 119 00:08:45,927 --> 00:08:47,918 Bonjour! 120 00:08:48,567 --> 00:08:51,001 (Impressed muttering from crowd) 121 00:08:51,047 --> 00:08:52,480 Monsieur. 122 00:08:59,087 --> 00:09:00,918 Sorry. A little slower. 123 00:09:02,607 --> 00:09:04,279 The novels. 124 00:09:06,967 --> 00:09:09,686 He comes from a land of giant cakes. 125 00:09:10,567 --> 00:09:13,240 I know what he's saying. He says the Romans have landed. 126 00:09:13,287 --> 00:09:15,278 Shh, Pig! I don't think he did. 127 00:09:19,127 --> 00:09:20,765 Romans? Here? 128 00:09:22,527 --> 00:09:24,199 Where? 129 00:09:24,247 --> 00:09:27,000 A l'est. In Kent. Les Kents. 130 00:09:27,047 --> 00:09:28,958 Did you say...the Kents? 131 00:09:29,007 --> 00:09:29,917 Oui. 132 00:09:31,087 --> 00:09:34,318 - The Romans are attacking the Kents! - (Rumble of thunder) 133 00:09:35,647 --> 00:09:37,603 (All cheer) 134 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,198 We hate the Kents. 135 00:09:41,967 --> 00:09:43,366 Look after him, sister. 136 00:09:44,847 --> 00:09:46,838 I’ve got a husband to find. 137 00:09:48,327 --> 00:09:49,999 Knickers...stinky stuff... 138 00:09:55,007 --> 00:09:56,804 Welcome to my humble home. 139 00:09:57,727 --> 00:09:58,955 Isn't it hot? 140 00:09:59,007 --> 00:10:00,486 I’ll light a fire. No. 141 00:10:00,527 --> 00:10:02,438 Um... 142 00:10:02,487 --> 00:10:04,364 That's...my bed. 143 00:10:06,047 --> 00:10:07,480 That's where I sleep. 144 00:10:08,487 --> 00:10:10,000 And this is how I sleep. 145 00:10:16,167 --> 00:10:18,635 Me, Worthaboutapig. 146 00:10:22,887 --> 00:10:24,081 You? 147 00:10:24,127 --> 00:10:26,004 Jean... 148 00:10:26,047 --> 00:10:28,242 Marcosivellaunivironmandiboule. 149 00:10:30,847 --> 00:10:32,758 What a big name. 150 00:10:36,807 --> 00:10:38,798 Let me look at your arm. 151 00:10:41,887 --> 00:10:43,764 I’ll slap some honey on that. 152 00:10:44,807 --> 00:10:46,798 Before bed. 153 00:10:49,167 --> 00:10:51,840 Oh, why do I find it so easy to talk to you? 154 00:10:51,887 --> 00:10:53,115 Huh? 155 00:10:53,167 --> 00:10:55,158 It must be my lucky night. 156 00:10:56,407 --> 00:10:58,443 I’m not meant to be lucky. 157 00:10:59,887 --> 00:11:02,401 I...was born... 158 00:11:04,047 --> 00:11:07,835 ..on the shortest day, you see. 159 00:11:08,967 --> 00:11:11,197 That's why I’m an outcast. 160 00:11:11,247 --> 00:11:12,521 An outsider. 161 00:11:13,527 --> 00:11:15,518 Like you. 162 00:11:17,567 --> 00:11:19,159 Mm. 163 00:11:20,647 --> 00:11:22,956 - Ow! - Oh, sorry. 164 00:11:23,007 --> 00:11:25,760 You, me, jiggy jiggy jiggy? 165 00:11:25,807 --> 00:11:27,365 Yes. 166 00:11:27,407 --> 00:11:29,398 Um... I’ll be that one. 167 00:11:31,967 --> 00:11:33,958 Do you like what you see? 168 00:11:35,367 --> 00:11:38,006 Be gentle with me. But use your own judgment. 169 00:11:39,327 --> 00:11:41,636 - (Horn) - Um, ignore that. 170 00:11:41,687 --> 00:11:44,599 - Qu'est-ce qui se passe? - It's nothing. It's just the alarm. 171 00:11:45,607 --> 00:11:47,598 OK... 172 00:11:47,967 --> 00:11:50,401 JEAN: Wh... Where are your tits? 173 00:11:56,967 --> 00:11:58,844 (Long deep blast) 174 00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:04,038 - Where are they? - Toward the east! 175 00:12:05,607 --> 00:12:07,916 To the hill fort! 176 00:12:09,767 --> 00:12:12,201 We don't have a hill fort. 177 00:12:14,007 --> 00:12:17,124 Don't go to the hill fort! 178 00:12:17,167 --> 00:12:18,600 Shhh! Shhh! 179 00:12:18,647 --> 00:12:21,036 Can you ask them to keep it down? It's a big day for me. 180 00:12:21,087 --> 00:12:23,043 - Pig, the Romans are here. - Lovely. 181 00:12:23,087 --> 00:12:24,679 Help me! 182 00:12:24,727 --> 00:12:26,604 - Did you? - Um... We started to. 183 00:12:26,647 --> 00:12:30,276 Then he said I had boring breasts and nodded off. I think he had a bad crossing. 184 00:12:30,327 --> 00:12:31,646 Pig... 185 00:12:31,687 --> 00:12:33,643 the Romans are here. 186 00:12:37,327 --> 00:12:38,840 QUEEN: Give them to me! 187 00:12:38,887 --> 00:12:40,718 You're wrong. The war is over there. 188 00:12:40,767 --> 00:12:43,042 - No, ma'am... - Give me the reigns. 189 00:12:43,087 --> 00:12:47,603 - But, Great Queen... - I command you. To the sea! To the sea! 190 00:12:47,647 --> 00:12:50,559 - No, ma'am, it's... - I'm doing the driving. I know the way. 191 00:12:50,607 --> 00:12:54,805 No, no, no, no! No, people! To the east! To the east! 192 00:12:54,847 --> 00:12:56,166 To the east! 193 00:12:59,527 --> 00:13:01,518 Follow me. 194 00:13:02,967 --> 00:13:04,764 To the east! 195 00:13:04,807 --> 00:13:07,640 To the east! To the east! 196 00:13:15,287 --> 00:13:18,040 And so the Dubonni charged west towards the bogs 197 00:13:18,087 --> 00:13:21,682 while Dwyfuc and a small band of ex-boyfriends ran east 198 00:13:21,727 --> 00:13:23,718 to face the mighty Romans alone. 199 00:13:26,247 --> 00:13:27,919 (Bleating) 200 00:13:38,567 --> 00:13:39,602 Yarrgggh! 201 00:13:42,127 --> 00:13:45,005 Yaarrggggh! Yaaargggh! 202 00:13:46,807 --> 00:13:48,286 Yaaargggh! 203 00:13:49,447 --> 00:13:51,438 Rarrgggh! 204 00:14:02,527 --> 00:14:04,006 Yaaaaaah! 205 00:14:11,247 --> 00:14:13,886 (Purrs like a lion) 206 00:14:15,087 --> 00:14:16,679 (Jaw clicks) 207 00:14:22,327 --> 00:14:23,362 (Purrs) 208 00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:27,601 (Clunk) 209 00:14:29,447 --> 00:14:31,836 (General chuckles) It's a good shot. 210 00:14:33,767 --> 00:14:36,235 - General. - Si? 211 00:14:36,287 --> 00:14:38,676 A message from Caesar. 212 00:14:38,727 --> 00:14:40,285 From a place is called Kent. 213 00:14:41,207 --> 00:14:43,675 He says they cannot find a safe harbour for the ships 214 00:14:43,727 --> 00:14:47,163 and we must return at once to the fleet. 215 00:14:48,007 --> 00:14:49,963 Pity. 216 00:14:50,007 --> 00:14:51,645 It's a nice country. 217 00:14:51,687 --> 00:14:52,676 Si. 218 00:14:52,727 --> 00:14:55,480 We take-a the fighting lady. Put her in the wagon. Come on. 219 00:14:55,527 --> 00:14:57,802 She could be useful later. 220 00:14:57,847 --> 00:14:59,838 (Crowd wailing) 221 00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:08,199 (Mournful wailing continues) 222 00:15:09,327 --> 00:15:10,601 Oh, shut up, will you! 223 00:15:10,647 --> 00:15:12,285 She's not dead. 224 00:15:12,327 --> 00:15:15,319 My daughter has been taken by the Romanians. 225 00:15:15,367 --> 00:15:17,164 Romans, my Queen. 226 00:15:17,207 --> 00:15:20,438 We must ask the gods what we must do. 227 00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:22,557 Fetch the one who talks with the gods. 228 00:15:25,327 --> 00:15:27,283 (Chanting) 229 00:15:32,367 --> 00:15:36,565 One Who Talks With The Gods, tell us of Dwyfuc my daughter, 230 00:15:36,607 --> 00:15:40,395 future queen of the Dubonni-i-i. 231 00:15:40,447 --> 00:15:43,200 Show us what cannot be seen. 232 00:15:46,287 --> 00:15:48,118 - (Squelch) - Oh, dear. 233 00:15:48,967 --> 00:15:51,959 Well? What do you see? 234 00:15:52,847 --> 00:15:54,405 I see... 235 00:15:54,447 --> 00:15:58,838 blood, guts and gore. 236 00:15:59,687 --> 00:16:01,040 And Dwyfuc? 237 00:16:02,047 --> 00:16:04,959 They have taken her and left... 238 00:16:07,607 --> 00:16:09,598 ..her shield. 239 00:16:10,967 --> 00:16:12,525 We knew this! 240 00:16:12,567 --> 00:16:14,285 Look at it! 241 00:16:14,327 --> 00:16:15,885 Tell us something new! 242 00:16:17,527 --> 00:16:20,439 They are taking her back... 243 00:16:20,487 --> 00:16:22,478 across the water. 244 00:16:22,687 --> 00:16:24,962 To their own land. 245 00:16:25,007 --> 00:16:26,679 Where does it say that? 246 00:16:26,727 --> 00:16:28,206 Just there. 247 00:16:29,807 --> 00:16:33,641 She must be rescued. Dwyfuc must be rescued. 248 00:16:33,687 --> 00:16:37,157 If she is not brought home when I pass to the Other World, 249 00:16:37,207 --> 00:16:39,516 it'll be the idiot one who shall be queen. 250 00:16:39,567 --> 00:16:41,364 (Wailing) 251 00:16:41,407 --> 00:16:42,999 Who is... Yes, all right. 252 00:16:43,047 --> 00:16:48,326 Who will undertake this almost certainly pointless and fatal mission to Romania? 253 00:16:48,367 --> 00:16:49,686 Rome, great Queen. 254 00:16:49,727 --> 00:16:55,120 Who shall rescue Dwyfuc, my daughter, future queen of the Dubonni? 255 00:16:55,167 --> 00:16:58,477 ALL: I will! I will! I will! 256 00:16:59,527 --> 00:17:01,245 I will! 257 00:17:01,287 --> 00:17:03,676 WORTHABOUTAPIG: I will rescue her. 258 00:17:03,727 --> 00:17:06,605 - I will rescue Dwyfuc! I... - (Silence falls) 259 00:17:06,647 --> 00:17:09,002 The unlucky one has been the loudest. 260 00:17:09,847 --> 00:17:11,997 Worthaboutapig shall go to Bucharest. 261 00:17:12,047 --> 00:17:13,958 (Cheering and clapping) 262 00:17:14,007 --> 00:17:17,397 Worthaboutapig shall rescue Dwyfuc! 263 00:17:18,047 --> 00:17:21,244 (People chant) Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig! 264 00:17:21,287 --> 00:17:26,998 Look, actually...I thought about this overnight and I don't know how practical this really is. 265 00:17:30,087 --> 00:17:32,282 The gods will protect her. 266 00:17:32,327 --> 00:17:35,399 ALL: Yes! - Sure... Sure... 267 00:17:35,447 --> 00:17:39,156 But I just feel I'm...not really the hero type. 268 00:17:40,367 --> 00:17:43,120 And I suppose it's partly, finally... 269 00:17:43,167 --> 00:17:48,241 finding a boyfriend makes me reluctant to go at this particular juncture. 270 00:17:48,287 --> 00:17:49,686 I mean, will he wait? 271 00:18:01,607 --> 00:18:04,041 Goodbye! Goodbye! Have a nice trip. 272 00:18:04,087 --> 00:18:05,645 Left hand up the hill. 273 00:18:05,687 --> 00:18:07,678 Right, everyone, back to work. 274 00:18:08,567 --> 00:18:10,364 (Mutters) 275 00:18:16,807 --> 00:18:18,798 My love! 276 00:18:21,607 --> 00:18:23,199 I... I go! 277 00:18:25,407 --> 00:18:28,080 But I shall return with my sister. 278 00:18:32,287 --> 00:18:33,606 (Sniffs) Pguh! 279 00:18:34,527 --> 00:18:36,518 And more arresting breasts. 280 00:18:37,847 --> 00:18:41,601 I'm going to somehow get bigger breasts and it's going to be fine. 281 00:18:41,647 --> 00:18:43,126 But I don't... 282 00:18:43,167 --> 00:18:45,158 (Sobs) 283 00:18:47,487 --> 00:18:50,479 I don't even know where Rome is. Shit. 284 00:18:54,647 --> 00:18:57,002 (Eerie hiss) 285 00:18:57,047 --> 00:19:00,005 Gods, I need your help. 286 00:19:00,047 --> 00:19:02,925 - You're not kidding. - (Screams) 287 00:19:06,847 --> 00:19:08,405 Are you from the Other World? 288 00:19:08,447 --> 00:19:12,360 I'm Andrasta. Goddess of victory. 289 00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:17,398 Yes! 290 00:19:17,447 --> 00:19:19,165 - Your mission... - Ahh! 291 00:19:19,207 --> 00:19:22,279 ..to save your sister is hopeless. 292 00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:24,522 But you have another sister. 293 00:19:26,847 --> 00:19:28,883 Smirgut the Fierce. 294 00:19:31,047 --> 00:19:32,480 We do not speak of her. 295 00:19:32,527 --> 00:19:36,679 You do not speak of her because there is bad blood between her and Dwyfuc. 296 00:19:38,127 --> 00:19:41,597 Smirgut had this bucket of blood to use for a pudding but it went off 297 00:19:41,647 --> 00:19:44,559 and then Dwyfuc accidentally tipped it over her head. 298 00:19:44,607 --> 00:19:47,121 Smirgut was absolutely livid. 299 00:19:47,167 --> 00:19:49,806 It is only by Smirgut that your fate can be turned. 300 00:19:50,687 --> 00:19:53,963 And even then, you must persuade her to help you. 301 00:19:54,807 --> 00:19:56,525 But they hate each other. 302 00:19:56,567 --> 00:19:58,683 And she lives in the north, 303 00:19:58,727 --> 00:20:02,083 with the Briganti and they're really, really rough. 304 00:20:02,127 --> 00:20:05,597 And they talk “like tha” and they wear their mongs long at the back, 305 00:20:05,647 --> 00:20:07,239 like a...a mullet. 306 00:20:07,287 --> 00:20:10,723 And um...they've got three nipples. 307 00:20:10,767 --> 00:20:15,318 Jean Marcosivellaunivironmandiboule 308 00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:19,326 Yarrgggggh! 309 00:20:19,367 --> 00:20:20,595 Oh! 310 00:20:20,647 --> 00:20:22,763 I’m looking for someone called Smirgut. 311 00:20:22,807 --> 00:20:24,843 - (Gasps) - No, I’m her sister. 312 00:20:24,887 --> 00:20:26,878 (Screams) 313 00:20:30,847 --> 00:20:32,360 I think we must be close. 314 00:20:49,327 --> 00:20:51,318 (Wolf howls in distance) 315 00:20:57,767 --> 00:21:00,076 (Modern dance music) 316 00:21:06,367 --> 00:21:07,766 (Raucous shouts) 317 00:21:28,167 --> 00:21:30,158 (Cheering) 318 00:21:34,967 --> 00:21:37,322 (Cheering) 319 00:21:37,367 --> 00:21:41,155 Don't ever touch my pint, you ranky git! 320 00:21:43,327 --> 00:21:44,999 (Growls like a lion) 321 00:21:50,487 --> 00:21:51,476 Pig? 322 00:21:52,847 --> 00:21:54,200 Is it really you? 323 00:22:00,447 --> 00:22:02,756 (Bones crunch) 324 00:22:06,167 --> 00:22:08,806 - You've really picked up the accent. - Fuck off! 325 00:22:08,847 --> 00:22:10,758 - You haven't changed. - I know. 326 00:22:10,807 --> 00:22:12,957 How's the drinking? Any...incidents? 327 00:22:14,207 --> 00:22:15,799 None. Clean. 328 00:22:15,847 --> 00:22:18,998 Right off it. Don't touch it. Not even tempted. 329 00:22:21,207 --> 00:22:24,165 - I nearly lost my gooseberry. - You didn't? 330 00:22:24,207 --> 00:22:25,845 - Yeah. - Who? 331 00:22:25,887 --> 00:22:30,483 - Oh, not old Squinty Greenteeth the pig man? - No! Gods, no! 332 00:22:30,527 --> 00:22:33,405 (Laughs) No. No, he chucked me. 333 00:22:33,447 --> 00:22:34,960 With um, a Gaul. 334 00:22:36,007 --> 00:22:38,202 Yeah. I got lucky for once. 335 00:22:39,167 --> 00:22:40,361 How's Mummy? 336 00:22:42,367 --> 00:22:43,402 Fine. 337 00:22:44,447 --> 00:22:45,766 Yeah. 338 00:22:45,807 --> 00:22:48,924 And that stuck-up...bitch of a sister? Dead, I hope? 339 00:22:51,407 --> 00:22:53,762 No. She's...fine. 340 00:22:53,807 --> 00:22:55,399 Pity. 341 00:22:55,447 --> 00:22:58,200 I would have written but er...no alphabet, or paper. 342 00:22:59,487 --> 00:23:01,125 What's the matter? 343 00:23:01,167 --> 00:23:03,476 I’ve said the thing which is not true. 344 00:23:03,527 --> 00:23:05,165 - What, lied? - Yes. 345 00:23:06,847 --> 00:23:09,486 - Some Romans came, you see... - (Growls) 346 00:23:09,527 --> 00:23:12,166 and um...that's why I’m here. 347 00:23:12,207 --> 00:23:14,482 Because they...they took away... 348 00:23:15,567 --> 00:23:18,035 ..they took...they took away... 349 00:23:18,087 --> 00:23:19,964 Mummy! 350 00:23:20,007 --> 00:23:21,998 Yes. 351 00:23:23,207 --> 00:23:24,276 (Growls) 352 00:23:27,127 --> 00:23:30,836 We'll head for the coast. There's a druid there who does boats and prophesies. 353 00:23:30,887 --> 00:23:33,560 Be back later, love. Ta-ta, children. 354 00:23:33,607 --> 00:23:35,438 CHILDREN: Bye, Mum! 355 00:23:35,487 --> 00:23:37,478 Don't eat the pets. 356 00:23:39,927 --> 00:23:42,157 - Blow that when we get to a corner. - (Blows horn) 357 00:23:42,207 --> 00:23:45,005 - That's not a corner! - Sorry, it's your accent. 358 00:23:45,047 --> 00:23:46,446 Shut it! 359 00:23:47,487 --> 00:23:51,685 WORTHABOUTAPIG: 360 00:23:54,527 --> 00:23:55,721 (Squelching) 361 00:23:57,607 --> 00:24:00,644 - It's nice. We can have a girlie chat. - Shut it, you demented pixie. 362 00:24:06,847 --> 00:24:08,644 WORTHABOUTAPIG: Nice parking. 363 00:24:08,687 --> 00:24:10,917 OK, Gareth, you stay. Stay and guard the... 364 00:24:10,967 --> 00:24:12,923 - (Honks) - Stay. 365 00:24:12,967 --> 00:24:16,243 - Yeah. Good. - I’m gonna eat that goose. 366 00:24:16,287 --> 00:24:17,845 (honks) 367 00:24:17,887 --> 00:24:20,560 So would you say you're more hard since you went up north? 368 00:24:20,607 --> 00:24:22,279 Yeah, 'kin hard as nails, me. 369 00:24:22,327 --> 00:24:25,125 Brilliant. Those Romans better watch out for you. 370 00:24:29,607 --> 00:24:30,596 Rome. 371 00:24:32,007 --> 00:24:33,998 I didn't realise it was gonna be that big. 372 00:24:34,047 --> 00:24:35,685 You could beat that, couldn't you? 373 00:24:37,127 --> 00:24:39,163 No, no. We mustn't alert them. 374 00:24:44,247 --> 00:24:48,684 Right. We're going to have to be very, very clever. 375 00:24:51,407 --> 00:24:52,999 A disguise? 376 00:24:53,047 --> 00:24:54,446 Yeah. 377 00:24:54,487 --> 00:24:57,320 Something...continental. Aaaah! 378 00:25:08,567 --> 00:25:11,559 (Poor attempt at French accent) Just airing, my slave. Hm? 379 00:25:13,207 --> 00:25:15,562 SMIRGUT: If you do that again, I’m gonna maim you. 380 00:25:15,607 --> 00:25:17,279 - Argh! - Sorry! 381 00:25:19,327 --> 00:25:20,965 What are they building? 382 00:25:21,007 --> 00:25:22,804 Amphitheatre. 383 00:25:22,847 --> 00:25:24,838 Ooh. I wonder what's playing. 384 00:25:27,407 --> 00:25:28,840 Turks. 385 00:25:28,887 --> 00:25:31,720 - Must be the German quarter. - What's German? 386 00:25:31,767 --> 00:25:33,166 Look out! 387 00:25:33,687 --> 00:25:35,757 (Tearing) SMIRGUT: Bollocks! 388 00:25:35,807 --> 00:25:37,320 Swedes. 389 00:25:39,207 --> 00:25:42,597 - Change money? Are you sure? - No, thanks. Got a big bag full. 390 00:25:44,287 --> 00:25:46,642 - Hotel? Hotel? - Cheap hotel. Cheap hotel. 391 00:25:47,447 --> 00:25:48,880 (Whispers) It's not fair. 392 00:25:48,927 --> 00:25:52,920 Here we are, all cosy, and poor Dwyfuc's being...poked with Romans. 393 00:25:55,967 --> 00:25:57,958 We're coming to get you, Dwyfuc. 394 00:25:58,007 --> 00:25:59,998 Don't despair. 395 00:26:00,967 --> 00:26:02,958 Coming to get you. 396 00:26:08,007 --> 00:26:09,406 Oh, Lofacta. 397 00:26:10,367 --> 00:26:12,358 All this luxury. 398 00:26:16,487 --> 00:26:17,886 Is it right? 399 00:26:18,927 --> 00:26:23,079 Sometimes I think to myself, why should I be the lucky one? 400 00:26:23,887 --> 00:26:27,402 And then a little voice says...”Fuck it.” 401 00:26:27,447 --> 00:26:29,358 What's for dinner? I could eat a horse. 402 00:26:29,407 --> 00:26:31,318 - Horse. With a sauce. - Excellent. 403 00:26:31,367 --> 00:26:33,801 Who's coming? Any celebs? 404 00:26:33,847 --> 00:26:35,360 Prefect Crassus. 405 00:26:35,407 --> 00:26:37,363 Oh... What a tit. 406 00:26:37,407 --> 00:26:38,965 Ah. You met him. 407 00:26:39,007 --> 00:26:43,159 And General Rhinus with the ex-gladiator Ruselius Crocus. 408 00:26:43,207 --> 00:26:46,040 - Oooh! - His er...friend. 409 00:26:46,087 --> 00:26:48,885 - Ohh... - Oh, but, Dwyfuc, 410 00:26:48,927 --> 00:26:52,715 now the legions are back from Germany, we'll find you an husband, I promise. 411 00:26:52,767 --> 00:26:54,644 Nobody wants a British princess. 412 00:26:55,647 --> 00:26:58,115 Just because I’m a bit...rough round the edges. 413 00:26:59,007 --> 00:27:01,760 It takes time to adapt to foreign ways, my dear. 414 00:27:01,807 --> 00:27:05,595 I mean, even for us Gaullish women, the invasion was a terrible shock. 415 00:27:05,647 --> 00:27:08,400 - It took some of us days. - Ow! 416 00:27:11,327 --> 00:27:13,318 Morning. 417 00:27:15,527 --> 00:27:19,202 Mm. These are actually rather good, you know. 418 00:27:19,247 --> 00:27:23,763 I don't suppose you also remember the last thing you said before we went to sleep, do you? 419 00:27:25,847 --> 00:27:26,996 Nighty-night? 420 00:27:31,767 --> 00:27:33,758 Oh, no... Yeah. 421 00:27:33,807 --> 00:27:38,722 No. Yeah, yeah. I said how this morning we'd get up and rescue Dwy... (Chokes) 422 00:27:41,847 --> 00:27:43,838 Excuse me, it's stuck. 423 00:27:45,047 --> 00:27:50,360 I was saying how this morning we'd go and, er, rescue Mummy. 424 00:27:51,567 --> 00:27:52,716 (Growls) 425 00:27:53,767 --> 00:27:56,281 - No, you didn't. - I did. 426 00:27:56,327 --> 00:28:00,002 - Didn't I? - You said, Dwyfuc. 427 00:28:01,487 --> 00:28:03,045 Really? 428 00:28:04,047 --> 00:28:05,196 (Growls) 429 00:28:06,367 --> 00:28:08,198 Oh. 430 00:28:08,247 --> 00:28:10,238 Could you hold that a moment? 431 00:28:13,847 --> 00:28:14,836 Sorry. 432 00:28:28,447 --> 00:28:30,244 Shift! 433 00:28:35,047 --> 00:28:37,322 - Here, love. You being chased? - Yeah. 434 00:28:37,367 --> 00:28:40,518 In here. It's all right, we're British. 435 00:28:42,247 --> 00:28:49,358 You see, the smell of the soap is totally covered by the cannabis so no soap tax. 436 00:28:49,407 --> 00:28:50,840 Genius, eh? 437 00:28:50,887 --> 00:28:52,957 She er...needs a place to hide. 438 00:28:53,007 --> 00:28:54,679 Does she? 439 00:28:54,727 --> 00:28:56,604 Hi. Hi. 440 00:28:56,647 --> 00:28:58,638 I’m Worthaboutapig. 441 00:29:00,167 --> 00:29:02,158 What an absolute treasure trove. 442 00:29:02,207 --> 00:29:05,005 - Worth less than a pig? - No. Worthaboutapig. 443 00:29:05,047 --> 00:29:09,165 I’m sorry to be a pickypoo, it's just it is about a pig. 444 00:29:09,207 --> 00:29:12,040 It's never ever less. I’m Worthaboutapig. 445 00:29:12,087 --> 00:29:14,476 Yeah, well...we'll be the judge of that. 446 00:29:18,287 --> 00:29:20,847 Have a pull on that, look. It's a local custom. 447 00:29:20,887 --> 00:29:22,559 Thanks. 448 00:29:22,607 --> 00:29:24,279 When in Rome. 449 00:29:25,247 --> 00:29:26,157 No! 450 00:29:26,207 --> 00:29:27,640 - No. - Oh. 451 00:29:36,247 --> 00:29:40,684 (High-pitched) Ahhh-ahhh. Ahh. Hey, I feel fantastic! 452 00:29:41,447 --> 00:29:43,677 I’ve never felt so good in my whole life! 453 00:29:43,727 --> 00:29:45,718 I’m not afraid of Smirgut. 454 00:29:52,087 --> 00:29:54,078 (High-pitched giggle) 455 00:29:55,047 --> 00:29:57,402 - Where is she? - Who? 456 00:29:57,447 --> 00:29:58,675 (Punch) 457 00:29:58,727 --> 00:30:00,080 Oof! Cor! 458 00:30:00,127 --> 00:30:02,277 - She bleedin' hit me! - Who hit you? 459 00:30:02,327 --> 00:30:03,999 Some bird out there. 460 00:30:04,047 --> 00:30:06,083 I’m not going out there. You sort her out. 461 00:30:06,127 --> 00:30:08,118 Did you hit him? What did you hit him for? 462 00:30:08,167 --> 00:30:10,283 Tough bird, are you, yeah? Come on, then. 463 00:30:10,327 --> 00:30:12,124 Kents! 464 00:30:12,167 --> 00:30:14,727 Kents, is it? Come on, then. We are Kents. 465 00:30:17,247 --> 00:30:19,158 That was really expensive! 466 00:30:22,527 --> 00:30:25,997 (High-pitched) I lied. So you'd come with me. 467 00:30:27,207 --> 00:30:29,402 You'll have to kill me first! 468 00:30:29,447 --> 00:30:32,598 (High-pitched) I’m a scheming miserable little shit. 469 00:30:32,647 --> 00:30:34,638 (Giggles) 470 00:30:39,887 --> 00:30:41,798 Doh! 471 00:30:41,847 --> 00:30:43,803 MAN: Go on, kill him, love! 472 00:30:48,687 --> 00:30:50,564 Go on, kill, kill. 473 00:30:50,607 --> 00:30:52,643 Kill him! Kill him! 474 00:30:52,687 --> 00:30:55,679 Mother! (Echoes) 475 00:31:13,527 --> 00:31:15,483 (Laughs) 476 00:31:15,527 --> 00:31:21,762 And these Pritish women, they even have-a the hair under the arms. 477 00:31:21,807 --> 00:31:23,923 Ooh! Oh, General, you rascal! 478 00:31:24,967 --> 00:31:26,958 Lady soldiers give me an 'ard on. 479 00:31:29,127 --> 00:31:33,359 You Pritish, you gave us quite a scare. 480 00:31:33,407 --> 00:31:35,477 Well, we do love a bit of a hack. 481 00:31:35,527 --> 00:31:37,995 When we invade again, it will be a different story. 482 00:31:38,047 --> 00:31:42,359 Of course, if it wasn't for the storms that broke up-a the ships, 483 00:31:42,407 --> 00:31:44,875 Pritain would already be ours. 484 00:31:45,927 --> 00:31:46,837 (Splash) 485 00:31:49,367 --> 00:31:50,720 Let's eat. 486 00:31:59,167 --> 00:32:03,399 So, tell us more, principressa of Pritain. 487 00:32:03,447 --> 00:32:05,324 (Chews noisily) 488 00:32:05,367 --> 00:32:06,959 Mm... Mm... 489 00:32:07,807 --> 00:32:09,525 Sorry, sorry. 490 00:32:09,567 --> 00:32:10,761 (Slurping) 491 00:32:15,927 --> 00:32:17,724 Ahh, lovely. 492 00:32:17,767 --> 00:32:22,238 B. Not P. B, B, B for Britain! 493 00:32:22,407 --> 00:32:25,524 - How incriadeable! - (She belches) 494 00:32:25,567 --> 00:32:29,276 One could never tell you were once...barbarian. 495 00:32:31,327 --> 00:32:33,636 But tell me, did you never fear, 496 00:32:33,687 --> 00:32:37,600 when you were first taken by us beastly Romans, 497 00:32:37,647 --> 00:32:42,084 that you would never again know the status of a princess? 498 00:32:43,047 --> 00:32:46,198 (Muffled by food) Oh, in my island, we have a saying, you know? 499 00:32:46,247 --> 00:32:48,397 Class will out. 500 00:32:50,447 --> 00:32:51,562 (Farts) 501 00:32:51,607 --> 00:32:53,598 (She giggles coquettishly) 502 00:32:55,247 --> 00:32:57,556 (Farts) 503 00:32:59,487 --> 00:33:00,886 (Sprays) 504 00:33:00,927 --> 00:33:02,918 (Explosive fart) 505 00:33:04,047 --> 00:33:06,163 (Squeaky fart) 506 00:33:09,407 --> 00:33:11,602 (Tight, ripping fart) 507 00:33:13,607 --> 00:33:14,881 (Huge fart) 508 00:33:14,927 --> 00:33:16,406 (Flock of birds takes of) 509 00:33:16,447 --> 00:33:17,516 Hey! 510 00:33:18,647 --> 00:33:21,081 You know, we have a saying, too, Principessa. 511 00:33:21,127 --> 00:33:24,836 If the cat will not purr, then we torture it until it does... 512 00:33:24,887 --> 00:33:26,445 or dies in agony. 513 00:33:26,487 --> 00:33:32,039 Well, we Brits clearly have much to learn in the...proverb department. 514 00:33:32,967 --> 00:33:35,527 Si, and we Romans in... 515 00:33:35,567 --> 00:33:39,037 ..other departmentitties. 516 00:33:39,087 --> 00:33:44,764 We probably have more departments we need much to have to learn... 517 00:33:46,007 --> 00:33:47,201 ..of. 518 00:33:48,167 --> 00:33:49,566 Perhaps. 519 00:33:50,607 --> 00:33:52,040 Perhaps not. 520 00:33:55,487 --> 00:33:56,283 Ow! 521 00:33:56,967 --> 00:33:58,605 (Manly laughter) 522 00:34:00,887 --> 00:34:02,878 (Room falls silent) 523 00:34:12,767 --> 00:34:14,758 No women 'ere. 524 00:34:17,567 --> 00:34:18,920 Oh. 525 00:34:19,967 --> 00:34:21,958 I’d better go, then. 526 00:34:25,487 --> 00:34:27,045 Just one thing. 527 00:34:27,087 --> 00:34:28,361 What? 528 00:34:34,887 --> 00:34:37,845 Anything. Large one, no straw. 529 00:34:37,887 --> 00:34:39,639 (Laughs) 530 00:34:40,687 --> 00:34:42,518 (All laugh) 531 00:34:44,847 --> 00:34:48,556 Two pints of goats' milk, slightly on the turn, and er... 532 00:34:49,567 --> 00:34:51,285 ..a Pernod for the lady. 533 00:34:51,327 --> 00:34:53,283 Picts? 534 00:34:53,327 --> 00:34:54,521 Aye. 535 00:34:55,527 --> 00:34:57,085 Southern scum? 536 00:35:01,047 --> 00:35:04,323 May your forests be levelled, your highlands cleared of people, 537 00:35:04,367 --> 00:35:06,756 all your food fried in yesterday's fat 538 00:35:06,807 --> 00:35:09,879 and your country languish eternally under a southern yoke. 539 00:35:10,727 --> 00:35:15,118 May your empire decay, your country become a joke to all nations, 540 00:35:15,167 --> 00:35:19,365 riven with class division and forever ruled by ponces. 541 00:35:21,327 --> 00:35:23,318 - Cheers. - Cheers, yeah. 542 00:35:24,287 --> 00:35:26,847 - Holiday or business? - We're ambassadors, hen. 543 00:35:26,887 --> 00:35:30,197 Here to make a treaty against you lot. Hence the effort. Will you join us? 544 00:35:30,247 --> 00:35:33,956 No. I mustn't. When I drink, I can become violent. 545 00:35:35,647 --> 00:35:37,478 MAN: Don't we all? - And rude. 546 00:35:38,487 --> 00:35:41,479 - I don't want to talk about it. - What's the matter, hen? 547 00:35:41,527 --> 00:35:43,324 I’m a Celtic warrior. 548 00:35:44,287 --> 00:35:46,562 First class. A trained killer. 549 00:35:47,407 --> 00:35:49,238 My sister's been captured. 550 00:35:50,287 --> 00:35:52,482 - And I... - Don't tell me. 551 00:35:52,527 --> 00:35:54,677 I know what it is. You've had the wee ones 552 00:35:54,727 --> 00:35:57,639 and you thought you'd just step back into the workplace again. 553 00:35:57,687 --> 00:36:00,599 - Yes. Yes. - But it's not so easy, is it? 554 00:36:00,647 --> 00:36:02,365 I can do the maiming. 555 00:36:02,407 --> 00:36:04,477 - But it's the killing, in't it? - Mm. 556 00:36:04,527 --> 00:36:06,757 You keep seeing their mothers, am I right? 557 00:36:06,807 --> 00:36:08,923 It was the same for her after we had wee Tiffany. 558 00:36:08,967 --> 00:36:12,642 You've just gotta get back out there, girl. Believe in yourself. 559 00:36:12,687 --> 00:36:15,565 Here. There's only one way to handle this. 560 00:36:17,887 --> 00:36:21,163 You've gotta just drink your way through it. 561 00:36:21,207 --> 00:36:22,845 (Flies buzz) 562 00:36:22,887 --> 00:36:25,845 Ooh, that horse, it's gone right through me. 563 00:36:27,487 --> 00:36:30,206 It's the best part of the evening, I always think. 564 00:36:31,927 --> 00:36:34,680 - Another dainty? - Ooh, thank you. 565 00:36:36,807 --> 00:36:40,800 I wonder what the men talk about when we're not there. 566 00:36:40,847 --> 00:36:45,238 Oh... Nothing, I’m sure, to worry our sweet pretty little heads about. 567 00:36:45,287 --> 00:36:47,755 We must discover a safe harbour for our ships. 568 00:36:47,807 --> 00:36:51,243 Why don't we just torture the heathen sow, huh? 569 00:36:51,287 --> 00:36:53,960 Oh, let me. Please. 570 00:36:54,007 --> 00:36:55,998 - Please, please. - No, Crassus. 571 00:36:56,047 --> 00:36:59,005 The Pritish can be stubborn and very stupid. 572 00:36:59,047 --> 00:37:01,607 No, my way is the best. Slave. 573 00:37:01,647 --> 00:37:06,004 Quickly. Run to the legion, bring me the soldier with the nicest arse. 574 00:37:06,047 --> 00:37:07,685 (Laughs) 575 00:37:08,687 --> 00:37:10,439 You are incorrigible! 576 00:37:11,647 --> 00:37:13,478 Oh, dear. 577 00:37:13,527 --> 00:37:16,644 Personally, I never listen to the rumours. 578 00:37:16,687 --> 00:37:21,317 Er... And anyway, I said, “Well, that's his business.” 579 00:37:21,367 --> 00:37:25,121 Lofacta tells me this Dwyfuc requires a man. 580 00:37:25,167 --> 00:37:27,158 We shall find her one. 581 00:37:28,087 --> 00:37:32,956 Oh, and, Crassus...I am not that way. You understand? 582 00:37:33,007 --> 00:37:34,565 - No. No! - ldiot. 583 00:37:34,607 --> 00:37:37,041 Of course not. Because that would be Greek. 584 00:37:38,007 --> 00:37:40,601 And we are...Romans. 585 00:37:52,887 --> 00:37:54,878 Enough! 586 00:37:57,847 --> 00:37:59,360 Gladiator. 587 00:38:01,367 --> 00:38:03,722 - Next. - Next! 588 00:38:07,727 --> 00:38:09,001 Pritish. 589 00:38:11,207 --> 00:38:12,606 Female. 590 00:38:12,647 --> 00:38:15,525 (Laughs) Excellent. 591 00:38:17,407 --> 00:38:20,126 Perhaps now we see the famous Celtic Kick. 592 00:38:28,447 --> 00:38:30,722 Oh, God! 593 00:38:30,767 --> 00:38:33,486 This is so provincial. 594 00:38:34,207 --> 00:38:36,846 - Crassus! - General Rhinus. 595 00:38:38,007 --> 00:38:39,963 How goeth the preparations for the games? 596 00:38:42,847 --> 00:38:44,405 Most perfectly, General. 597 00:38:44,447 --> 00:38:49,475 Some of the local animals are not as...wild as we would like. 598 00:38:49,527 --> 00:38:51,245 And the gladiators? 599 00:38:51,287 --> 00:38:53,323 Oh, prima qualita! 600 00:38:56,607 --> 00:38:58,996 So, who's top of the bill? 601 00:38:59,047 --> 00:39:01,277 You got Schlaffwaffe the Goth? 602 00:39:01,327 --> 00:39:05,161 Unfortunately, his agent is being a little difficult 603 00:39:05,207 --> 00:39:08,722 but we have some of our best lawyers on the case. 604 00:39:09,567 --> 00:39:12,365 Egor, look at me! Ahhhh! 605 00:39:12,407 --> 00:39:17,401 OK... I go into town. I need different feathers for my helmet. 606 00:39:17,447 --> 00:39:18,926 Waaah! 607 00:39:18,967 --> 00:39:20,366 Want anything? 608 00:39:21,887 --> 00:39:23,957 - No. - Waaah! 609 00:39:24,007 --> 00:39:25,918 Come on, boys. 610 00:39:29,567 --> 00:39:31,558 - Ah! - (Wood thuds) 611 00:39:33,327 --> 00:39:35,795 We could put her up against the legless Kurd. 612 00:39:36,007 --> 00:39:37,725 (Crassus groans) 613 00:39:38,567 --> 00:39:40,046 Make her a domestic. 614 00:39:40,087 --> 00:39:43,523 They said I did really, really well considering it was my first time, 615 00:39:43,567 --> 00:39:45,683 and that if I wanted, I could be a slave. 616 00:39:46,767 --> 00:39:48,758 I was delighted. 617 00:39:53,607 --> 00:39:56,599 (Sighs) Oh, the ennui! 618 00:40:00,047 --> 00:40:02,117 At home, I’d be in the open - 619 00:40:02,167 --> 00:40:07,605 hunting, riding, perhaps a little butchering in the afternoon - 620 00:40:07,647 --> 00:40:09,558 but here... 621 00:40:10,487 --> 00:40:12,239 ..what's there to do? 622 00:40:20,327 --> 00:40:23,205 (Sighs) If this ennui continues, 623 00:40:23,247 --> 00:40:27,001 I may have to retire early and have a little...wankette. 624 00:40:27,047 --> 00:40:29,038 Hm... 625 00:40:32,207 --> 00:40:34,846 (Long note) 626 00:40:37,527 --> 00:40:39,119 Lady Lofacta. 627 00:40:40,727 --> 00:40:42,718 Dwyfuc, let me introduce you. 628 00:40:42,767 --> 00:40:45,565 This is Centurion Firmus Tarsovorlovus. 629 00:40:46,327 --> 00:40:48,795 Ah, the Pritish princess. 630 00:40:48,847 --> 00:40:50,439 Won't you join us? 631 00:40:51,367 --> 00:40:53,198 (Purrs like a lion) 632 00:40:53,247 --> 00:40:54,839 (Jaw clicks) 633 00:40:55,887 --> 00:40:58,959 I mentioned to General Rhinus how nervous I had become 634 00:40:59,007 --> 00:41:01,919 of shopping outside the palace gates. 635 00:41:01,967 --> 00:41:04,481 I did not expect him to send someone so soon. 636 00:41:05,607 --> 00:41:07,325 Unfortunately, I have no time. 637 00:41:07,367 --> 00:41:09,403 A little man comes today to do my lice. 638 00:41:12,847 --> 00:41:14,838 I don't have any lice. 639 00:41:15,847 --> 00:41:17,963 Lice are a sign of good living. 640 00:41:18,007 --> 00:41:20,282 They live only in the cleanest hair. 641 00:41:23,487 --> 00:41:25,478 I had a vole... 642 00:41:25,527 --> 00:41:28,405 My lice are always very big and healthy. 643 00:41:28,447 --> 00:41:31,405 ..that wintered down there and raised a small family. 644 00:41:31,447 --> 00:41:33,244 My lice sometimes wave at me. 645 00:41:33,287 --> 00:41:34,925 My vole used to wish me good night. 646 00:41:34,967 --> 00:41:37,640 (Squeaky voice) “Good night, Princess Dwyfuc.” 647 00:41:37,687 --> 00:41:38,915 Go to sleep. 648 00:41:48,607 --> 00:41:53,362 Oh... Why don't you go shopping with Firmus? 649 00:41:54,767 --> 00:41:57,042 Oh, that...that would be hairy. 650 00:41:59,567 --> 00:42:01,523 Nice 'orn. 651 00:42:05,087 --> 00:42:06,998 - Slave! - (Hums) 652 00:42:08,047 --> 00:42:10,038 - Slave! - (Hums) 653 00:42:14,247 --> 00:42:16,158 - Slave! - Oh, sorry. Keep forgetting. 654 00:42:16,207 --> 00:42:18,721 - There's a job for you. Kitchen. - Oh, brill. 655 00:42:41,007 --> 00:42:42,565 (They laugh) 656 00:42:55,567 --> 00:42:57,159 Thanks. 657 00:43:01,647 --> 00:43:03,558 Bloody Celts. 658 00:43:04,847 --> 00:43:06,644 A date to remember. 659 00:43:11,327 --> 00:43:13,761 (Stone zings and ricochets repeatedly) 660 00:43:13,807 --> 00:43:15,798 Oh, Firmus. 661 00:43:15,847 --> 00:43:17,838 (Stone zings) 662 00:43:17,887 --> 00:43:19,240 (Crunching) 663 00:43:20,247 --> 00:43:22,238 Why do I feel so happy? 664 00:43:23,807 --> 00:43:25,798 Because ah... 665 00:43:26,727 --> 00:43:28,479 ..you know tonight you get some. 666 00:43:29,887 --> 00:43:31,240 Yes. 667 00:43:31,287 --> 00:43:33,278 Yes, probably. 668 00:43:44,527 --> 00:43:49,647 And...perhaps, too, you are happy...because you are hot. 669 00:43:50,607 --> 00:43:52,199 Like a candle. 670 00:43:53,167 --> 00:43:56,716 And you know that after dinner, I will pleasure you in a thousand ways... 671 00:43:58,367 --> 00:44:01,564 ..and leave your body like a pool of melted wax. 672 00:44:02,607 --> 00:44:04,199 Oh, Firmus... 673 00:44:05,727 --> 00:44:07,479 ..I do believe you're flirting. 674 00:44:09,967 --> 00:44:11,958 Let's go in. (Purrs) 675 00:44:21,807 --> 00:44:23,525 Do you need a lawyer? 676 00:44:23,567 --> 00:44:28,687 No? Good. I’m not a lawyer, I’m a legal exec. That's why I’m out here, not in there. 677 00:44:28,727 --> 00:44:30,240 But I...I know the law. 678 00:44:32,447 --> 00:44:34,278 No win, no fee? 679 00:44:35,527 --> 00:44:36,516 Permit. 680 00:44:41,127 --> 00:44:42,958 I’m with her. 681 00:44:43,007 --> 00:44:45,441 Get off! Get off! 682 00:44:46,447 --> 00:44:48,438 She's...my client! 683 00:44:52,687 --> 00:44:53,802 Urgh! 684 00:44:54,847 --> 00:44:56,838 And she's back. 685 00:44:57,807 --> 00:44:59,798 (Fighting outside) 686 00:45:03,527 --> 00:45:04,721 Mmmm. 687 00:45:06,207 --> 00:45:08,198 Noisy tonight. 688 00:45:13,967 --> 00:45:15,958 (Bones click) 689 00:45:17,327 --> 00:45:19,283 (Purrs) 690 00:45:19,327 --> 00:45:23,320 So...it's true what they say about Roman men. 691 00:45:23,367 --> 00:45:27,042 Yes, we are the world's fastest undressers. 692 00:45:29,407 --> 00:45:30,635 (Toga swishes) 693 00:45:36,687 --> 00:45:38,279 Mmm. 694 00:45:40,647 --> 00:45:42,080 (Splash) 695 00:45:46,567 --> 00:45:47,920 Head between your knees. 696 00:45:51,967 --> 00:45:54,925 DWYFUC: Oh... Oh, yes! Yes! 697 00:45:54,967 --> 00:45:57,686 Oh! Oh, my God! 698 00:45:58,727 --> 00:46:00,160 Yes! 699 00:46:00,207 --> 00:46:03,722 Actually, just a touch less left hand. 700 00:46:03,767 --> 00:46:05,485 Ooohhh, my God! 701 00:46:10,927 --> 00:46:12,963 Hey, that's not as bad as it looks, you know. 702 00:46:19,207 --> 00:46:23,041 This part here...remind me of a harbour. 703 00:46:24,127 --> 00:46:25,958 The way it is shaped. 704 00:46:26,007 --> 00:46:30,717 You er... You have such-a things in Pritain? 705 00:46:30,767 --> 00:46:33,235 Yes, we do. 706 00:46:33,287 --> 00:46:36,006 And where would such harbours be? 707 00:46:36,047 --> 00:46:38,686 A deep one, where, for instance... 708 00:46:38,727 --> 00:46:44,245 a sailor might come in very, very close, unload his little boat. 709 00:46:44,287 --> 00:46:46,926 Ye... Yeah, keep talking like that. 710 00:46:46,967 --> 00:46:49,322 With the actions. Yeah. 711 00:46:49,367 --> 00:46:52,723 - There's... There's one in... - Yes? 712 00:46:52,767 --> 00:46:55,235 - There's one in... - Yes, there's one in... 713 00:46:57,887 --> 00:46:59,366 - Yes! - Yes! Yes! 714 00:46:59,407 --> 00:47:01,398 Yes! Yes! 715 00:47:02,127 --> 00:47:04,118 In Deal! In Deal! 716 00:47:05,167 --> 00:47:07,886 - There's one in Deal! - And where is Deal? 717 00:47:07,927 --> 00:47:11,920 It's just between Sandwich and Rams... 718 00:47:11,967 --> 00:47:13,605 - (Bubbling) - ..gate 719 00:47:14,927 --> 00:47:16,918 Right, my turn. Roll over. 720 00:47:18,247 --> 00:47:19,157 Pig? 721 00:47:20,087 --> 00:47:21,076 Pig? 722 00:47:28,407 --> 00:47:29,556 Waaaaaah! 723 00:47:29,607 --> 00:47:30,562 (Crash) 724 00:47:36,487 --> 00:47:38,478 I think we could claim for this. 725 00:47:38,527 --> 00:47:40,324 (Marching footsteps) 726 00:47:43,047 --> 00:47:45,481 Cold? I am, too. 727 00:47:46,527 --> 00:47:48,358 Tired? I am, too. 728 00:47:48,407 --> 00:47:51,080 - Wholewheat? Good choice. - (Screams of agony) 729 00:47:56,367 --> 00:47:57,686 It's the slave! 730 00:47:57,727 --> 00:47:58,603 Ah! 731 00:47:58,647 --> 00:47:59,477 Pig! 732 00:48:01,007 --> 00:48:02,235 Ah... 733 00:48:02,287 --> 00:48:03,845 Yes? 734 00:48:03,887 --> 00:48:05,639 Please don't hit me. 735 00:48:05,687 --> 00:48:07,723 Oh...OK. 736 00:48:14,327 --> 00:48:16,443 Was that you upstairs? 737 00:48:16,487 --> 00:48:18,842 You left quite a mess, you know, on the mosaicry. 738 00:48:18,887 --> 00:48:22,766 I wonder if you might get me out of this? 739 00:48:22,807 --> 00:48:26,038 I can't. It's off my remit. I’m strictly cleaning and errands. 740 00:48:29,047 --> 00:48:30,526 I like being a slave. 741 00:48:30,567 --> 00:48:34,242 Got parameters and a sense of belonging. And I’ve had something called a bath. 742 00:48:34,287 --> 00:48:37,324 This is the invidious nature of the slave system. 743 00:48:37,367 --> 00:48:39,961 The individual feels gratitude towards the oppressor 744 00:48:40,007 --> 00:48:42,885 for removing the inherent conflicts of the liberated self. 745 00:48:42,927 --> 00:48:45,282 This could take about 2,000 years to work through. 746 00:48:48,447 --> 00:48:49,880 Try a slap. 747 00:48:54,007 --> 00:48:55,998 I’m cured. 748 00:48:58,727 --> 00:49:02,561 - (Bawls) - What's the matter now? 749 00:49:03,607 --> 00:49:05,802 I mean, what's the point of it all, you know? 750 00:49:05,847 --> 00:49:08,315 And what are we all ultimately doing here anyway? 751 00:49:08,367 --> 00:49:10,961 Er... We're here to save Dwyfuc. 752 00:49:11,967 --> 00:49:14,527 - Who is? - (Sighs) We are. 753 00:49:16,047 --> 00:49:17,480 Both of us? 754 00:49:17,527 --> 00:49:19,119 Yes. 755 00:49:22,447 --> 00:49:26,326 Yes, and it was the most fortunate thing, Caesar. 756 00:49:26,367 --> 00:49:30,280 We have just this moment secured the intelligence 757 00:49:30,327 --> 00:49:33,444 Your Excellency has been desiring. 758 00:49:33,487 --> 00:49:34,476 Ah. 759 00:49:34,527 --> 00:49:36,518 An harbour at last. 760 00:49:36,567 --> 00:49:39,001 You have done well, Rhinus. 761 00:49:39,047 --> 00:49:41,038 We invade Pritain tomorrow. 762 00:49:45,927 --> 00:49:48,760 Let's rescue the cow and get home. 763 00:49:53,567 --> 00:49:56,604 So it is true what they say about Pritish women. 764 00:49:57,967 --> 00:50:00,800 Gravy on everything. 765 00:50:00,847 --> 00:50:02,997 Oh, in my country, we have a saying, you know. 766 00:50:03,047 --> 00:50:05,083 Oh, what is that? 767 00:50:05,127 --> 00:50:07,118 “More gravy?” 768 00:50:07,967 --> 00:50:11,596 Ah... Such a mysterious people. 769 00:50:12,647 --> 00:50:15,923 I have never before made-a love like that. 770 00:50:15,967 --> 00:50:20,404 Stopping only on-a the hour, every hour, for meals. 771 00:50:20,447 --> 00:50:21,402 Mwah! 772 00:50:24,167 --> 00:50:26,635 No! Basta! I cannot bear it! 773 00:50:27,847 --> 00:50:29,565 By the gods, how could I? 774 00:50:30,607 --> 00:50:32,199 And to the only woman 775 00:50:32,247 --> 00:50:34,841 who in the act of love 776 00:50:35,847 --> 00:50:39,237 has made-a the tears run down my cheeks. 777 00:50:39,287 --> 00:50:42,085 It's all the hair. There's gonna be chafing. 778 00:50:42,127 --> 00:50:44,322 No, no, no. You do not understand. 779 00:50:45,367 --> 00:50:49,963 Tomorrow, I rejoin my legion, we invade your country. 780 00:50:50,007 --> 00:50:53,397 I only make love to you so you reveal a harbour for our ships. 781 00:50:54,727 --> 00:50:56,763 That is why all of the moves, 782 00:50:56,807 --> 00:50:59,924 all of the...business downstairs. 783 00:50:59,967 --> 00:51:05,200 My, at times, almost unnatural withholding of personal release. 784 00:51:05,247 --> 00:51:07,920 Mm. That's a relief. I thought you had a blockage. 785 00:51:09,607 --> 00:51:11,598 Reveal a harbour? 786 00:51:13,687 --> 00:51:15,678 So you mean it was all a... 787 00:51:16,887 --> 00:51:19,799 Even when you did that...trick with your... 788 00:51:19,847 --> 00:51:21,439 (Bell rings) 789 00:51:21,487 --> 00:51:23,364 Mm. 790 00:51:23,407 --> 00:51:26,922 You faked my orgasm! 791 00:51:26,967 --> 00:51:28,685 Ah... 792 00:51:30,727 --> 00:51:33,525 Well...I only wanted you for your seed. 793 00:51:34,207 --> 00:51:36,482 Now, I’ve got it so...ha! 794 00:51:37,927 --> 00:51:40,395 A... No, no, but I... 795 00:51:41,487 --> 00:51:44,320 Ah... I... I never... 796 00:51:46,047 --> 00:51:48,038 (Pops) 797 00:51:50,167 --> 00:51:51,680 Get out. 798 00:51:52,487 --> 00:51:54,478 Get out! 799 00:51:59,647 --> 00:52:01,638 (Dwyfuc sobs) 800 00:52:07,327 --> 00:52:09,318 Scusa, ladies. 801 00:52:11,367 --> 00:52:13,005 (Sobbing) 802 00:52:15,567 --> 00:52:17,603 - Pig? - Dwyfuc. 803 00:52:18,647 --> 00:52:20,126 Pig! 804 00:52:24,247 --> 00:52:25,965 I don't believe it. Pig! 805 00:52:26,007 --> 00:52:27,759 Look who I’ve brought. 806 00:52:27,807 --> 00:52:29,718 Look, it's Smirgut. 807 00:52:34,127 --> 00:52:36,766 I said I’ll rescue her. Don't have to talk to her. 808 00:52:36,807 --> 00:52:39,241 Beg your pardon? It's your accent, I can't quite... 809 00:52:39,287 --> 00:52:41,482 - (Growls) - Look, will you stop it? 810 00:52:41,527 --> 00:52:43,677 - Oooh! - Dwyfuc, 811 00:52:43,727 --> 00:52:46,878 someone's told the Romans where they can land their boats. 812 00:52:46,927 --> 00:52:49,964 What? What complete idiot did such a thing? 813 00:52:50,007 --> 00:52:54,797 What a stupid, stupid, silly, silly kind of stupid... 814 00:52:54,847 --> 00:52:58,635 kind of, sort of slipped out, did it, kind of silly, stupid thing? 815 00:52:58,687 --> 00:53:02,043 - (Smirgut sighs) - Oh, Dwyfuc. 816 00:53:03,887 --> 00:53:06,082 I’m afraid I’ve been rather a silly Sue. 817 00:53:06,887 --> 00:53:09,037 We've got to get back and warn the tribe. 818 00:53:09,087 --> 00:53:12,921 - Yes, we've got to get back and warn the tribe. - Yeah, we've gotta get back and... No. 819 00:53:12,967 --> 00:53:16,277 No, you go. No, I’m not going. I don't want to. 820 00:53:16,327 --> 00:53:19,637 Ah... I’m very important here. They've named a cake after me. 821 00:53:19,687 --> 00:53:23,965 And a washing-up utensil. I’ve got a mural. I need to be here. I need to... 822 00:53:24,007 --> 00:53:25,804 Oh, my gods. 823 00:53:26,887 --> 00:53:28,639 She's fallen in love. 824 00:53:28,687 --> 00:53:30,803 No, I haven't. 825 00:53:30,847 --> 00:53:32,838 - How... - (Door opens) 826 00:53:32,887 --> 00:53:35,082 - ..ridiculous. - (Door closes) 827 00:53:36,887 --> 00:53:39,560 Lofacta! My friend! 828 00:53:40,407 --> 00:53:42,602 This is Lofacta, my best friend. 829 00:53:42,647 --> 00:53:45,684 These are my sisters. Pig, the runt. 830 00:53:45,727 --> 00:53:47,240 How do you do? 831 00:53:49,087 --> 00:53:51,078 - Nice to meet you. - And Smirgut. 832 00:53:51,127 --> 00:53:53,322 I never know how many. 833 00:53:54,007 --> 00:53:56,475 - The Fierce. - (Growls) 834 00:53:56,527 --> 00:53:58,882 You've got great breasts. 835 00:53:58,927 --> 00:54:01,566 Gaullish women in general have, I mean. 836 00:54:01,607 --> 00:54:03,040 I haven't. 837 00:54:05,767 --> 00:54:08,076 Oh! I was telling them about my mural. 838 00:54:08,127 --> 00:54:10,402 Oh. You have not seen? 839 00:54:10,447 --> 00:54:11,596 No. 840 00:54:11,647 --> 00:54:13,160 Come, come, come. 841 00:54:14,367 --> 00:54:17,006 - That's me, being captured. - It's so real. 842 00:54:17,047 --> 00:54:20,357 And there's me entertaining the rich and famous. 843 00:54:22,327 --> 00:54:24,602 There's me having coitus. 844 00:54:24,647 --> 00:54:28,481 But even you, Dwyfuc, have not see the final one. 845 00:54:35,247 --> 00:54:38,762 Yes. Now you have betrayed your country and the Romans have what they want, 846 00:54:38,807 --> 00:54:41,082 they are going to execute you. 847 00:54:42,167 --> 00:54:44,362 But I thought you liked me. 848 00:54:44,407 --> 00:54:45,965 Liked you? 849 00:54:46,007 --> 00:54:48,885 (Mimics) “Oh, I can eat anything, me, I don't get fat.” 850 00:54:48,927 --> 00:54:50,883 I hope you die slowly, you bitch. 851 00:54:50,927 --> 00:54:54,044 - Now, piss off. - I want to go home. 852 00:54:59,007 --> 00:55:00,281 Well, come on. 853 00:55:02,447 --> 00:55:05,120 SMIRGUT: Eugh! What is that smell? 854 00:55:05,167 --> 00:55:06,998 (Flies buzz) 855 00:55:07,047 --> 00:55:09,038 - (Squelch) - Oh... 856 00:55:14,527 --> 00:55:16,518 Ha ha! 857 00:55:17,807 --> 00:55:18,956 (Squelch) 858 00:55:19,007 --> 00:55:20,406 Someone's coming. Get down. 859 00:55:20,447 --> 00:55:22,438 (Marching footsteps) 860 00:55:25,047 --> 00:55:25,957 Next! 861 00:55:39,807 --> 00:55:41,798 (Folk music) 862 00:55:43,567 --> 00:55:47,845 (Whispers) Hey, I think I see a way of just walking out of here. 863 00:55:49,047 --> 00:55:51,117 - Rhinus? - Mm? 864 00:55:51,167 --> 00:55:53,556 Have you been-a shaving your legs? 865 00:55:53,607 --> 00:55:56,167 Abasolutelely not, sir. 866 00:55:59,367 --> 00:56:01,358 (Music ends) 867 00:56:06,607 --> 00:56:09,724 - Why do they do it? - Nobody knows. 868 00:56:09,767 --> 00:56:11,678 - No-one speaks Scythian. - Hm. 869 00:56:12,687 --> 00:56:16,282 - Who is next? - Pictish ambassadors. 870 00:56:17,127 --> 00:56:19,243 Ah. At last, some real business. 871 00:56:24,087 --> 00:56:26,396 Smirgut's plan was dazzling in its simplicity. 872 00:56:26,447 --> 00:56:28,244 Perhaps too dazzling. 873 00:56:28,287 --> 00:56:30,278 (Shuffling) 874 00:56:34,087 --> 00:56:35,839 (Poor Scots accent) Ooh, my piles! 875 00:56:35,887 --> 00:56:38,003 Mm. I suffer the same. 876 00:56:38,047 --> 00:56:43,360 DWYFUC: Aye, it's the northern damp, you know. It's the terrible, terrible damp. 877 00:56:44,607 --> 00:56:46,325 Anyone for a treaty? 878 00:56:46,367 --> 00:56:48,881 You are the Pictish ambassadors? 879 00:56:49,647 --> 00:56:51,638 Oh, absolutely. 880 00:56:54,407 --> 00:56:59,640 So...you want a treaty...against the Pritish? 881 00:56:59,687 --> 00:57:01,962 Och, I’ll say. We abhor them! 882 00:57:02,007 --> 00:57:04,077 Psst! 883 00:57:04,127 --> 00:57:06,322 Em... Excuse me for a minute, will ye? 884 00:57:06,367 --> 00:57:08,358 (Pig whispers) You dickhead! 885 00:57:08,407 --> 00:57:09,886 What? 886 00:57:09,927 --> 00:57:14,364 It's a trick question. Picts are British. 887 00:57:14,407 --> 00:57:16,796 What are you saying exactly? 888 00:57:16,847 --> 00:57:19,156 Picts regard themselves as British. 889 00:57:20,767 --> 00:57:22,200 Oh, fuck it. 890 00:57:22,247 --> 00:57:26,126 To seal a treaty against the Pritish... 891 00:57:26,927 --> 00:57:30,237 ..perhaps you'd like to perform for us 892 00:57:30,287 --> 00:57:33,677 the famous Pictish dance... 893 00:57:34,887 --> 00:57:36,639 ..of the fish. 894 00:57:39,087 --> 00:57:40,600 Just try and stop us. 895 00:57:41,047 --> 00:57:42,844 Aye, aye, the dance o' fish! 896 00:57:45,847 --> 00:57:47,200 (Bagpipes skirl) 897 00:57:47,247 --> 00:57:50,000 898 00:57:50,647 --> 00:57:53,525 899 00:57:54,487 --> 00:57:57,399 900 00:57:57,447 --> 00:57:58,800 901 00:57:58,847 --> 00:58:00,883 902 00:58:00,927 --> 00:58:02,997 903 00:58:03,927 --> 00:58:05,246 904 00:58:05,287 --> 00:58:09,280 Crassus, I think we have another act for your games. 905 00:58:11,847 --> 00:58:13,405 (Mutters) 906 00:58:13,447 --> 00:58:16,359 907 00:58:32,687 --> 00:58:34,120 It's the invasion. 908 00:58:34,167 --> 00:58:37,045 We've got to get out of here and warn the tribe. 909 00:58:38,687 --> 00:58:40,040 We must stick together. 910 00:58:40,087 --> 00:58:42,840 If we stick together, we live. 911 00:58:42,887 --> 00:58:46,436 Ooh, no-one who ever died in a Roman arena ever thought of that one. Pssh! 912 00:58:46,487 --> 00:58:50,002 - If you make that noise once more... - What noise? This noise? Pssh! 913 00:58:50,047 --> 00:58:52,242 You'd both better come and look at this. 914 00:58:54,647 --> 00:58:55,921 (Crowd cheers) 915 00:58:55,967 --> 00:58:59,437 They execute people in cold blood without even goading them. 916 00:59:00,887 --> 00:59:03,196 We may be barbarians but we're not savages. 917 00:59:03,247 --> 00:59:05,078 Except on holidays. 918 00:59:08,887 --> 00:59:10,878 (Crowd roars) 919 00:59:14,687 --> 00:59:17,326 (Whimpers) 920 00:59:18,367 --> 00:59:20,358 Mummy! 921 00:59:22,807 --> 00:59:25,526 CROWD: Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar! 922 00:59:26,927 --> 00:59:28,758 Sorry to be a nuisance. What happens now? 923 00:59:28,807 --> 00:59:30,399 - Warm up. - Oh. Hold this. 924 00:59:31,407 --> 00:59:35,685 We have brought the Pritish women forward in the programme, Generalissimo, 925 00:59:35,727 --> 00:59:37,718 so that we can make the morning tide. 926 00:59:46,647 --> 00:59:48,399 You growing a beard? 927 00:59:49,447 --> 00:59:50,436 No. 928 00:59:51,727 --> 00:59:53,922 Open the gates! 929 01:00:20,527 --> 01:00:22,483 DWYFUC: He's massive. 930 01:00:22,527 --> 01:00:24,722 (Crowd chant) 931 01:00:27,047 --> 01:00:29,641 Now that is a Goth. 932 01:00:36,207 --> 01:00:38,163 (German accent) What Scheisshole is this? 933 01:00:38,207 --> 01:00:41,438 - It's not even finished. - Boulogne, Your Viciousness. 934 01:00:41,487 --> 01:00:44,126 - Who are they? - Pritish, 935 01:00:44,167 --> 01:00:45,998 oh, cruel-but-technical one, 936 01:00:46,047 --> 01:00:48,880 for the benefit of Caesar. 937 01:00:53,927 --> 01:00:55,918 I think he saw me. 938 01:00:57,687 --> 01:01:00,884 To celebrate Caesar's invasion of their country... 939 01:01:00,927 --> 01:01:04,715 and to warm your...magnificent muscles. 940 01:01:04,767 --> 01:01:06,359 There's something odd about them. 941 01:01:07,687 --> 01:01:11,123 - They're women. - Ah, so those are women! Hm. 942 01:01:11,167 --> 01:01:12,759 I’ve seen women before. 943 01:01:13,647 --> 01:01:15,603 I like it. Give them swords. 944 01:01:23,127 --> 01:01:26,881 I must warn you, I’m a fully-trained Dubonni warrior queen, 945 01:01:26,927 --> 01:01:29,043 skilled in over a dozen martial arts. 946 01:01:29,087 --> 01:01:30,679 (Sword swishes) 947 01:01:32,807 --> 01:01:36,959 Including the Celtic Kick or Feet of Thunder as it has become popularilily known. 948 01:01:37,007 --> 01:01:38,326 I can kill a man in... 949 01:01:40,487 --> 01:01:41,761 .. 1 7 different ways. 950 01:01:41,807 --> 01:01:44,275 1 8 if you include cooking. 951 01:01:44,327 --> 01:01:46,682 - Are we friends now? - Yes. 952 01:01:47,687 --> 01:01:51,123 Right...you feint and I’ll do him. 953 01:01:51,167 --> 01:01:53,044 Yeah, I agree, but the other way round. 954 01:01:53,087 --> 01:01:57,444 No, no, I’ve got to deliver the first blow. I can't explain now. It's cos I’ve had kids. 955 01:01:57,487 --> 01:02:00,445 - Oh, yeah, bring that up. I’m single! - (Tuts) 956 01:02:00,487 --> 01:02:04,116 DWYFUC: You've got to be first, haven't you? Chippy, chippy little child. 957 01:02:04,167 --> 01:02:05,156 Me? 958 01:02:05,207 --> 01:02:07,721 - Don't cause a scene. - I’m not causing a scene! 959 01:02:07,767 --> 01:02:09,758 - “I’m not causing a scene!” - Shut up! 960 01:02:09,807 --> 01:02:13,163 - Yeah, after you shut up. - So I can be first to shut up, can I? 961 01:02:13,207 --> 01:02:14,401 (Sighs) 962 01:02:21,647 --> 01:02:25,356 CROWD: Kill! Kill! Kill! 963 01:02:40,447 --> 01:02:42,438 (Creaking) 964 01:02:45,567 --> 01:02:47,558 I feel good. 965 01:02:48,687 --> 01:02:50,325 Very loose. 966 01:02:52,447 --> 01:02:54,915 Okey-dokey, that's-a lunch! 967 01:03:01,807 --> 01:03:04,605 It's all my fault. 968 01:03:04,647 --> 01:03:07,957 - Don't. - She came here to rescue me. 969 01:03:09,527 --> 01:03:11,518 She did, didn't she? 970 01:03:11,567 --> 01:03:13,159 (Slaughter continues outside) 971 01:03:15,127 --> 01:03:17,641 I was always so horrible to her. 972 01:03:18,847 --> 01:03:20,678 I wasn't even horrible to her. 973 01:03:20,727 --> 01:03:23,958 I wish I’d been more horrible to her or laughed at her a bit or... 974 01:03:24,927 --> 01:03:26,918 (Dwyfuc whines) 975 01:03:29,087 --> 01:03:30,645 It's too late now. 976 01:03:31,607 --> 01:03:33,404 She's gone. 977 01:03:33,447 --> 01:03:35,438 If only there were gods to help us. 978 01:03:36,647 --> 01:03:38,285 If only they were real 979 01:03:38,327 --> 01:03:41,842 and not just some primitive society projecting its own moral system 980 01:03:41,887 --> 01:03:44,720 on an unknowable cosmos in order to justify itself. 981 01:03:45,767 --> 01:03:47,644 Fuckin' hell! 982 01:03:48,567 --> 01:03:49,886 Who are you? 983 01:03:51,367 --> 01:03:52,686 (Sighs) 984 01:03:52,727 --> 01:03:55,525 I er... I look after your sister. 985 01:03:55,567 --> 01:03:58,081 Only I’ve been er...a little remiss. 986 01:04:01,607 --> 01:04:06,237 You wouldn't have such a thing as some magic chicken innards on you, would you? 987 01:04:10,447 --> 01:04:12,085 Yeah. 988 01:04:14,927 --> 01:04:15,643 (Sniffs) 989 01:04:17,047 --> 01:04:19,641 If these are what I think they are, we may be in luck. 990 01:04:20,967 --> 01:04:22,559 Stand back. 991 01:04:24,727 --> 01:04:26,683 (Squelch) 992 01:04:26,727 --> 01:04:28,718 SMIRGUT: She's completely mental. 993 01:04:30,247 --> 01:04:31,805 Disappointing. 994 01:04:32,567 --> 01:04:33,602 Right... 995 01:04:35,007 --> 01:04:36,520 Look. 996 01:04:38,607 --> 01:04:40,598 (Dwyfuc coughs) 997 01:04:50,567 --> 01:04:52,239 Where does this go? 998 01:04:53,167 --> 01:04:54,759 The Other World! 999 01:04:58,367 --> 01:05:00,358 Well, go! Quickly! 1000 01:05:01,647 --> 01:05:03,365 The invasion has already begun. 1001 01:05:05,407 --> 01:05:07,716 - (Eerie screech) - (Dwyfuc hums) 1002 01:05:07,767 --> 01:05:09,564 - (Screech) - Ooh! 1003 01:05:10,327 --> 01:05:11,885 (Breathes quickly and mutters) 1004 01:05:11,927 --> 01:05:13,565 Tunnelphobic. 1005 01:05:13,607 --> 01:05:14,756 Shut up. 1006 01:05:14,807 --> 01:05:16,877 Don't like it. 1007 01:05:16,927 --> 01:05:18,155 Panic attack. 1008 01:05:18,727 --> 01:05:24,120 Do you know what, I think this is one of these tunnels that goes on and on and... 1009 01:05:25,927 --> 01:05:27,519 Ah... 1010 01:05:28,767 --> 01:05:30,758 Oh... 1011 01:05:33,047 --> 01:05:36,562 SMIRGUT: What the bloody hell's going on here? (Echoes) 1012 01:05:36,607 --> 01:05:41,727 It's like home. It's... It's beautiful. But it's different. 1013 01:05:45,407 --> 01:05:47,967 DWYFUC: Oh, it's like when we were kids. 1014 01:05:48,007 --> 01:05:49,759 SMIRGUT: Are we on drugs? 1015 01:05:49,807 --> 01:05:53,925 VILLAGERS: You're great, you're brilliant, you're wonderful. Waaaaa! 1016 01:05:53,967 --> 01:05:56,720 - No, I’m not. VILLAGERS: No, seriously. 1017 01:05:56,767 --> 01:06:01,397 You're great, you're brilliant, you're wonderful. Waaaaa! 1018 01:06:01,447 --> 01:06:02,436 Oh... 1019 01:06:05,447 --> 01:06:08,200 Sisters! You came! 1020 01:06:09,567 --> 01:06:13,082 Do excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Do excuse me. 1021 01:06:13,127 --> 01:06:14,196 Smigs! 1022 01:06:14,247 --> 01:06:16,556 Fiercy, fiercy! Grrr. 1023 01:06:17,607 --> 01:06:19,598 - Hello. - Hello. 1024 01:06:20,847 --> 01:06:26,001 - So, this is your Other World. - Yeah. It's everything I ever dreamed of. 1025 01:06:26,047 --> 01:06:29,722 - Everything's perfect and everybody loves me. - We've come to take you back. 1026 01:06:29,767 --> 01:06:30,802 What? 1027 01:06:31,847 --> 01:06:33,246 Why? 1028 01:06:33,287 --> 01:06:36,040 Because...we love you. 1029 01:06:36,087 --> 01:06:37,281 Yeah. 1030 01:06:39,327 --> 01:06:40,726 Oh. 1031 01:06:43,487 --> 01:06:46,240 You've never said anything like that to me before. 1032 01:06:50,007 --> 01:06:51,838 Still not coming and you can't make me. 1033 01:06:51,887 --> 01:06:54,879 Ah, but you must want to be rescued or we wouldn't be here. 1034 01:06:54,927 --> 01:06:56,918 What? Um... 1035 01:06:59,487 --> 01:07:02,240 Well, I’ve changed my mind. Which... 1036 01:07:03,487 --> 01:07:06,718 ..I can, because it's my world. 1037 01:07:07,847 --> 01:07:10,725 Actually, you know, that's an unanswerable argument. 1038 01:07:10,767 --> 01:07:12,485 Mm, it is. 1039 01:07:12,527 --> 01:07:14,199 Grab her legs. 1040 01:07:14,247 --> 01:07:15,760 What? 1041 01:07:16,167 --> 01:07:17,282 Ee. Oooh. 1042 01:07:17,327 --> 01:07:20,000 (They scream) 1043 01:07:21,287 --> 01:07:24,836 - I see some steps. Going up. - Oh, thank you. Thank you, gods. 1044 01:07:25,487 --> 01:07:27,159 (Crowd cheering) 1045 01:07:30,087 --> 01:07:32,078 Fresh air! 1046 01:07:37,207 --> 01:07:39,163 - Oh... - Bollocks. 1047 01:07:39,207 --> 01:07:40,879 It's them! 1048 01:07:40,927 --> 01:07:42,645 Kill them! 1049 01:07:42,687 --> 01:07:45,406 CROWD: Kill them! Kill them! 1050 01:07:45,447 --> 01:07:49,838 Let's just take it nice and easy. They may not have noticed us. 1051 01:07:49,887 --> 01:07:52,526 CROWD: Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! 1052 01:07:52,567 --> 01:07:54,842 There, you see, what did I say? 1053 01:07:55,887 --> 01:07:58,401 Call on your gods, British! 1054 01:07:58,447 --> 01:07:59,800 (Cheering) 1055 01:08:07,207 --> 01:08:09,198 (Crowd falls silent) 1056 01:08:10,167 --> 01:08:11,998 Right in the heart. 1057 01:08:13,447 --> 01:08:15,961 Yes, normally, that would be fatal. 1058 01:08:16,007 --> 01:08:17,838 - However... - (Cheering) 1059 01:08:17,887 --> 01:08:21,402 ..I had my heart moved to the other side of the chest to counter this. 1060 01:08:21,447 --> 01:08:25,156 The same operation, I had my entire nervous system ripped out of my body 1061 01:08:25,207 --> 01:08:28,836 so I’m not able to feel any pain in the vital organs. 1062 01:08:29,727 --> 01:08:31,683 Your gods? 1063 01:08:34,167 --> 01:08:35,919 I do the little one first. 1064 01:08:35,967 --> 01:08:38,879 CROWD: Schlaffwaffe! Schlaffwaffe! 1065 01:08:38,927 --> 01:08:40,918 I’ve killed you before, haven't I? 1066 01:08:40,967 --> 01:08:42,366 So many shows. 1067 01:08:42,407 --> 01:08:44,602 Einmal ist keinmal. 1068 01:08:44,647 --> 01:08:51,041 I think this time I will cut you in two, like I would...half a pig. (Guffaws) 1069 01:08:52,567 --> 01:08:53,966 What did you call me? 1070 01:08:55,407 --> 01:08:58,638 You called me...half a pig. 1071 01:08:58,687 --> 01:09:02,157 No, I said I would half you like a pig. 1072 01:09:02,207 --> 01:09:06,359 No, you didn't. You said, “I will cut you, ha-ha-ha, Halfapig.” 1073 01:09:06,407 --> 01:09:08,318 No, I said “half” with an F. 1074 01:09:08,367 --> 01:09:10,358 Not “half a pig” the adjectival clause, 1075 01:09:10,407 --> 01:09:14,480 but “half” the active verb - “to half”. 1076 01:09:14,527 --> 01:09:18,122 My name is Worthaboutapig. 1077 01:09:18,167 --> 01:09:20,806 We have covered this point, I think. 1078 01:09:20,847 --> 01:09:22,075 Say it. 1079 01:09:23,167 --> 01:09:24,043 No. 1080 01:09:24,087 --> 01:09:26,078 (Screams) 1081 01:09:32,447 --> 01:09:34,438 Ooh. 1082 01:09:37,487 --> 01:09:39,159 Kill! Kill! 1083 01:09:44,367 --> 01:09:45,641 Relax! 1084 01:09:45,687 --> 01:09:47,917 (Wails) I can feel nothing! 1085 01:09:52,487 --> 01:09:53,966 (All groan) 1086 01:09:55,007 --> 01:09:57,805 Oh, no, it's not enough to be killed once in one day, is it? 1087 01:09:58,967 --> 01:10:01,037 Well, I tell you, I have had enough! 1088 01:10:01,087 --> 01:10:03,681 I am officially weed off! 1089 01:10:03,727 --> 01:10:06,525 You know, just...just because I’m unlucky, 1090 01:10:06,567 --> 01:10:09,718 and a coward and have bad boobs and a face like a pie, 1091 01:10:09,767 --> 01:10:12,122 it's all right to always pick on me, is it? 1092 01:10:12,167 --> 01:10:14,965 My mother kept me in a bag of weevils till I was five. 1093 01:10:15,007 --> 01:10:18,283 Oh, he's not even listening. You're not even listening to me, are you? 1094 01:10:18,327 --> 01:10:22,764 Why does no-one ever, ever listen to me? 1095 01:10:22,807 --> 01:10:26,641 My only friend is a goose so disturbed he lays long eggs. 1096 01:10:26,687 --> 01:10:28,405 Come back, you coward! 1097 01:10:28,447 --> 01:10:30,199 I want to die! 1098 01:10:30,247 --> 01:10:32,317 I want to be dead! 1099 01:10:32,367 --> 01:10:35,006 When I was dead I...I had a dress. 1100 01:10:35,047 --> 01:10:36,719 (Cheering) 1101 01:10:40,847 --> 01:10:42,200 Pig. 1102 01:10:48,527 --> 01:10:50,802 Nice work there, technically, with the teeth. 1103 01:10:50,847 --> 01:10:52,724 Are you OK there, little sis? 1104 01:10:52,767 --> 01:10:55,725 Yeah. I feel...strangely liberated. 1105 01:10:55,767 --> 01:10:57,883 I feel er... I feel good. 1106 01:11:00,887 --> 01:11:02,445 Pig! 1107 01:11:03,487 --> 01:11:06,797 Now is the time for the Celtic Kick. 1108 01:11:09,807 --> 01:11:13,595 Be careful, guys. They have-a the famous Feet of Thunder. 1109 01:11:13,647 --> 01:11:16,115 Always keep-a the eyes on-a the feet. 1110 01:11:17,607 --> 01:11:20,246 1111 01:11:49,567 --> 01:11:51,717 Right...run like, fast! 1112 01:11:55,487 --> 01:11:57,478 This way! 1113 01:12:07,567 --> 01:12:11,116 - What are you doing? - Are you mad? We might never come back. 1114 01:12:13,087 --> 01:12:15,920 Actually, they're really nice. I think I’ll have a pair. 1115 01:12:15,967 --> 01:12:17,639 Nines? Nines? 1116 01:12:20,847 --> 01:12:23,520 Oh. Is there anything a bit less strappy? 1117 01:12:33,087 --> 01:12:36,363 Um... Have either of you noticed anything about my breasts? 1118 01:12:36,407 --> 01:12:38,682 Wow! You've still got your Other-Worldly ones. 1119 01:12:38,727 --> 01:12:42,117 That's the thing, these are actually mine. Incredible, isn't it? 1120 01:12:42,167 --> 01:12:44,078 It's this Gaullish boob holder. 1121 01:12:44,127 --> 01:12:46,436 Going home? Change money? 1122 01:12:52,727 --> 01:12:56,037 Come on! There's something I’ve got to take care of in Deal. 1123 01:12:57,247 --> 01:12:59,238 We've got to save Britain. 1124 01:13:07,807 --> 01:13:09,240 (Drunken singing) 1125 01:13:09,287 --> 01:13:14,520 Lo-fac-ta is a two-faced poncy French git! 1126 01:13:32,807 --> 01:13:35,037 There must be thousands of them. 1127 01:13:35,087 --> 01:13:37,157 Ah, but how many are we? 1128 01:13:38,207 --> 01:13:40,198 50? Including geese. 1129 01:13:52,287 --> 01:13:53,606 Fools! 1130 01:13:53,647 --> 01:13:55,365 They have us surrounded. 1131 01:13:55,407 --> 01:13:59,366 They made the most elementary mistake in the art of war. 1132 01:13:59,407 --> 01:14:00,806 Or have I got that wrong? 1133 01:14:00,847 --> 01:14:02,246 Oh, who cares? 1134 01:14:02,287 --> 01:14:06,758 They have forgotten they are facing the mighty Tuathfhlaifthfth! 1135 01:14:06,807 --> 01:14:08,604 ALL: Tuathfhlaifthfth! 1136 01:14:11,647 --> 01:14:13,638 SOLDIER IN DISTANCE: Halt! - Shh. 1137 01:14:16,487 --> 01:14:18,603 March! 1138 01:14:18,647 --> 01:14:20,478 I’ll summon a swarm of bees. 1139 01:14:20,527 --> 01:14:22,119 Um... No! 1140 01:14:22,167 --> 01:14:24,522 I said I’ll summon a swarm of bees. 1141 01:14:25,527 --> 01:14:27,643 She's getting very wilful, isn't she? 1142 01:14:33,567 --> 01:14:35,000 OK, OK, OK. 1143 01:14:36,047 --> 01:14:39,198 Right, you go that side, I’ll go behind. 1144 01:14:40,447 --> 01:14:43,200 If we don't see each other again, I’m sorry about the um... 1145 01:14:44,447 --> 01:14:47,200 ..you know, the...the...hate. 1146 01:14:48,447 --> 01:14:51,280 - Likewise. - The funny thing is... 1147 01:14:52,607 --> 01:14:55,121 ..I can't even remember why we hate each other. 1148 01:15:05,247 --> 01:15:07,522 - Right. - Right. No prisoners. 1149 01:15:11,367 --> 01:15:14,279 (Banging on shields) 1150 01:15:16,647 --> 01:15:18,956 (Geese honk) 1151 01:15:22,607 --> 01:15:26,964 Banalla, Orlanna, Assilda, Den-dallan, Gwenaaaach! 1152 01:15:32,127 --> 01:15:37,155 Banalla, Orlanna, Assilda, Den-dallan, Gwenaaaach! 1153 01:15:38,807 --> 01:15:40,126 They come! 1154 01:15:40,167 --> 01:15:43,079 - Banalla, Orlanna... - (Bees buzz) 1155 01:15:43,127 --> 01:15:46,563 Assilda... Ahhh! 1156 01:15:52,127 --> 01:15:54,880 Tribe, this is it! 1157 01:15:54,927 --> 01:15:56,804 - Ahhh! - Wait! 1158 01:15:56,847 --> 01:15:58,838 Look! There! 1159 01:16:01,527 --> 01:16:03,563 Down. Come on, boys. 1160 01:16:03,607 --> 01:16:05,040 Good. 1161 01:16:05,087 --> 01:16:07,078 A...ttack! 1162 01:16:09,447 --> 01:16:11,438 (Bees buzz furiously) 1163 01:16:17,367 --> 01:16:19,358 (Fearsome war cry) 1164 01:16:22,207 --> 01:16:24,675 Last one in's a Kent! 1165 01:16:30,887 --> 01:16:32,605 (Mass war cry) 1166 01:16:32,647 --> 01:16:34,638 (Queen yells feebly) 1167 01:16:37,207 --> 01:16:40,438 - Be careful, ma'am. - (Coughs) 1168 01:16:46,967 --> 01:16:48,958 What's-a going on? 1169 01:16:49,007 --> 01:16:51,805 RHINUS: Their women...they take us from behind. 1170 01:16:53,727 --> 01:16:55,319 Barbarians! 1171 01:17:00,887 --> 01:17:03,401 Hail, Caesar. I come from Deal Harbour. 1172 01:17:03,447 --> 01:17:05,563 The ship anchors have been cut in the night. 1173 01:17:05,607 --> 01:17:07,962 A storm comes. 1174 01:17:08,007 --> 01:17:10,919 If we do not retreat, we will lose touch with the fleet. 1175 01:17:10,967 --> 01:17:12,958 To the sea. 1176 01:17:13,887 --> 01:17:15,878 I never get to see the ladies fight. 1177 01:17:25,487 --> 01:17:26,636 Hey! Hey! 1178 01:17:28,367 --> 01:17:29,880 Hey! Hey! 1179 01:17:29,927 --> 01:17:32,646 Hey, everybody relax! Hey! 1180 01:17:32,687 --> 01:17:33,881 Hey! 1181 01:17:33,927 --> 01:17:37,602 Caesar...he piss off home! 1182 01:17:37,647 --> 01:17:40,115 (Cheering) 1183 01:17:51,527 --> 01:17:53,404 Oh! Ow! Get off, you little fuckers! 1184 01:17:53,447 --> 01:17:55,085 Ow! You bastards! 1185 01:17:55,127 --> 01:17:57,766 Filthy bee! Not up there! Ow! Owwww! 1186 01:18:02,967 --> 01:18:04,320 Rhinus! 1187 01:18:04,367 --> 01:18:05,720 No, go. 1188 01:18:05,767 --> 01:18:07,723 Save-a yourself, Caesar. 1189 01:18:07,767 --> 01:18:09,644 The republic needs you. 1190 01:18:16,247 --> 01:18:18,477 This invasion's going to need one hell of a spin. 1191 01:18:29,767 --> 01:18:31,758 (Tinkling) 1192 01:18:36,487 --> 01:18:38,284 (Camp voice) Free at last. 1193 01:18:38,327 --> 01:18:39,680 (Chuckles) 1194 01:18:39,727 --> 01:18:41,365 Oh, my brave boys. 1195 01:18:41,407 --> 01:18:43,045 Congratulations. Well done. 1196 01:18:43,087 --> 01:18:45,601 Lovely war. Really lovely. 1197 01:18:45,647 --> 01:18:49,037 - Oh, you have got a big wound. - Only pain, ma'am. Only pain. 1198 01:18:49,087 --> 01:18:50,839 Hello. Well done. 1199 01:18:50,887 --> 01:18:52,878 I love the blue round the eyes. 1200 01:18:56,287 --> 01:18:58,118 Look, great Queen, it's... 1201 01:18:58,167 --> 01:18:59,998 the Princess. 1202 01:19:00,047 --> 01:19:01,719 Returned. 1203 01:19:06,727 --> 01:19:10,606 How many times must I tell you not to chase strangers! 1204 01:19:11,727 --> 01:19:13,524 (Laughter) 1205 01:19:15,447 --> 01:19:17,597 Smirgut! 1206 01:19:17,647 --> 01:19:19,319 Mummy! 1207 01:19:19,367 --> 01:19:21,642 My daughter! 1208 01:19:21,687 --> 01:19:23,803 Oh, joy! 1209 01:19:26,807 --> 01:19:28,638 Send for her family! 1210 01:19:28,687 --> 01:19:33,477 Break open the offal and fetch the one who imports the beer! 1211 01:19:33,527 --> 01:19:35,722 (Cheering) 1212 01:19:35,767 --> 01:19:37,598 Baby Smiry! 1213 01:19:37,647 --> 01:19:40,115 I actually brought her back, in fact. 1214 01:19:40,167 --> 01:19:42,158 Um... And rescued Dwyfuc. 1215 01:19:43,567 --> 01:19:46,718 Oh, yeah. I remember now. 1216 01:19:48,247 --> 01:19:50,238 That's what the argument was about. 1217 01:19:50,287 --> 01:19:52,801 MEN: Come on, heave! Come on! 1218 01:19:52,847 --> 01:19:56,362 Oi, you lot! What do you think you're doing with that prisoner? 1219 01:19:59,327 --> 01:20:02,603 And defeated Schlaffwaffe the Goth in single combat. 1220 01:20:03,767 --> 01:20:06,327 Won't mean much to you, but he's huge on the continent. 1221 01:20:08,807 --> 01:20:10,843 I told you before... 1222 01:20:10,887 --> 01:20:15,165 you do not goad...or torment the Romans. 1223 01:20:15,927 --> 01:20:17,724 We found him hiding in the woods. 1224 01:20:17,767 --> 01:20:19,644 Reckon he's an asylum seeker. 1225 01:20:19,687 --> 01:20:23,965 Oh, right. Well, pass me that sickle. Let's get his head on a stick while he's fresh. 1226 01:20:29,847 --> 01:20:31,075 Firmus! 1227 01:20:33,647 --> 01:20:35,638 Be quick. 1228 01:20:37,207 --> 01:20:38,879 I shall use this one... 1229 01:20:40,407 --> 01:20:42,204 ..for sperm. 1230 01:20:43,247 --> 01:20:45,886 Have him oiled, taken to the maypole... 1231 01:20:46,887 --> 01:20:48,878 ..and tethered. 1232 01:20:52,047 --> 01:20:53,924 (Purrs) 1233 01:20:53,967 --> 01:20:56,162 (Jaw clicks) 1234 01:21:01,167 --> 01:21:04,125 I’m gonna have...a baby! 1235 01:21:08,087 --> 01:21:09,406 I’m back. 1236 01:21:11,647 --> 01:21:13,797 Absolutely pooped. 1237 01:21:14,287 --> 01:21:16,278 (Puffs) 1238 01:21:19,367 --> 01:21:20,766 Mes dieux! 1239 01:21:20,807 --> 01:21:22,001 What? 1240 01:21:23,047 --> 01:21:24,765 Your tits! 1241 01:21:25,807 --> 01:21:27,399 - Do you mind if I... - Yes. 1242 01:21:28,407 --> 01:21:30,967 Not until you've um...swept the floor. 1243 01:21:32,407 --> 01:21:34,921 And given me a big rub and made the dinner. 1244 01:21:34,967 --> 01:21:36,605 Sure, baby. Sure. 1245 01:21:38,807 --> 01:21:40,081 Thank you. 1246 01:21:47,247 --> 01:21:48,965 Yes! 1247 01:21:49,967 --> 01:21:52,117 And so Smirgut moved down south, 1248 01:21:52,167 --> 01:21:53,839 Dwyfuc got her baby, 1249 01:21:53,887 --> 01:21:55,684 and I got you. 1250 01:21:55,727 --> 01:21:58,958 JEAN: Hm? - I’m saying I got you. 1251 01:21:59,007 --> 01:22:01,316 - Quoi? - I get you as a prize for doing well 1252 01:22:01,367 --> 01:22:03,005 and I get to keep you in my hut. 1253 01:22:03,047 --> 01:22:06,039 - Je comprends pas ce que tu dis. - You don't understand? 1254 01:22:06,087 --> 01:22:07,679 Depuis une heure et demie. 1255 01:22:07,727 --> 01:22:09,797 For an hour and a half? 1256 01:22:09,847 --> 01:22:12,680 - Your tits. - You don't speak any English at all? 1257 01:22:12,727 --> 01:22:15,958 - Mm, your tits. - So what have you been doing since I left? 1258 01:22:16,007 --> 01:22:18,123 - Your tits! - Bloody French! 1259 01:24:20,007 --> 01:24:22,396 WORTHABOUTAPIG: Put them down! Get off! - (Ripping) 1260 01:24:22,447 --> 01:24:25,598 Ow! Not up there! Ow! Not up there! Oh! Ooh!